how do you explain it without sounding unsound?

does it make you crazy? to think he saw you

okay

if it's not okay, it's not the end. hold on, pain ends. you'll be okay, you'll be okay.

everything will be okay :)

it's like you want the pain to end, but you don't mind it staying

someone requested i blog more. haha. sometimes it makes me feel like what's the point? no one would bother to read anyways. all visitors/comments i get are spams. pfft

anyways, working life is so so. nothing much going on, still clueless about life. which got me thinking, maybe this is life. you don't grow up to a certain age and just suddenly figure out all there is to life. nope. that's the thing about life - you never know what's ahead, what's next, you just dive right in in hopes that whatever decision you make changes your life, in the best way possible.

there are many things in our lives that we get to decide. we are, in fact, in control of our own lives. we can't decide how our day will go, but we get to choose how we handle it. on top of that, we also get to choose who hurts us, who affect us, who breaks us apart.

i'm no good at decisions. i suck at it, actually. you ask me what i want to eat, i'll tell you that i'm fine with anything. you ask me whether your new hair cut suits you, i'll tell you "okay ah." the rare times, however, that i do make my choices, well let's just say that - they suck. people watching me make my decisions cannot fathom why i do the things i do, when i know very well it's the wrong choice, that this decision of mine will break me and tear me into a million pieces. they say you're blinded by your own decisions. i'm not. i know exactly what i'm doing to myself, and yet i still stick by my choices. i've always been a fool, but only because i choose to. i don't, however, know why i choose to be this dumb. maybe i just like to feel the burn. i'd like to think that who knows? maybe this time round it'll work. it never does. because i reach for things that are way beyond my limits, things that do not belong to me. it's like wanting to live in the Sun, knowing that her heat will destroy you, yet still holding to that strand of hope that maybe, maybe the scientists got it all wrong. do you see how dumb I am?!


anyways, here's the end of my rant. my life will not be my life, if i gave up on all these things that make me sad. don't get me wrong, in a very weirdly twisted way, i like being sad. i don't know why. it's like you want the pain to end, but you don't mind it staying.

stop
doing
this
to
yourself .

falling apart

my dog passed away yesterday. and my cat's been missing since last night.
every passing minute without the sound of her bell, i just can't shake the feeling that chances of getting her back is close to nil.

what would i do without her?
i honestly can't fathom my life without her. nothing can ever fill her place in my heart.


you see, this is why i choose not to feel. don't fall in love with people, they always leave. and when they do, you're left broken, shattered. like how i am now. just thinking about the future pains me. what if? yeah, what if.

this is why i only let myself fall in love with things. because things never leave. they stay and remind me of my accomplishments. so please understand that this is the reason i love things more than people.  

helllew

”It’s funny how i thought
I was good at hiding my
fellings, but then strangers
started asking me what was
wrong and why I looked so
tired and that’s when I 
realized you didn’t care 
enough to notice”

By: Simone // relhavant


x
i cannot be more grateful to tumblr for providing me with so many source of sad posts like this. :) 
anyways, i'm still searching for a nice quote to ink on my inner arm!! been searching high and low but everything I want is either too long or too.. sad. T-T 

nothing lasts forever

you can't be fixed by the same person who broke you




Stop setting yourself on fire for someone who stays to watch you burn.




words to live by.
nothing lasts forever. love is non existent. people who say they love you and that they mean well for you end up breaking their promises. it's like nothing is real anymore and you don't know what the hell are you doing with your life. nothing is okay and you just feel like dying. you want something to take away the pain. so you use physical pain to distract you from the real pain - the aching of your broken heart.

DO YOUR WORST

saw this on tumblr and decided to give it a go x 

DO YOUR WORST

• 1:Could you go the rest of your life without smoking a cigarette?
• it wouldn't be much of a hassle really
• 2:Are you single/taken/heartbroken/confused?
• single bahaha
• 3:What if I told you that you were pretty?
• I'd say "thank you. I get that all the time"
• 4:Ever been told “it’s not you, it’s me”?
• nope
• 5:Are you interested in anyone right now?
• probably, maybe? i prefer if the feelings part don't come in though. 'cause feelings are messy and lead to expectations and all that shit. it's just messed up
• 6:What are you looking forward to in the next week?
• hmm. getting my shit together? haha. it's a dear friend's birthday and also probably an answer for something i've been waiting for months!
• 7:Do you want to be single?
• i am single
• 8:Did you go out or stay in last night?
• I stayed in. 
• 9:How late did you stay up last night?
• watched "For a Good Time, Call.." last night til 230am xD
• 10:Can you recall the last time you realized you liked someone a lot?
• hahahahahaha. i'd much rather not. 
• 11:Last three things you had to drink?
• water, lime juice, water
• 12:Have you pretended to like someone?
• no haha. why would anyone pretend to like anyone?
• 13:Have you ever told somebody you loved them and not actually meant it?
• noooooo
• 14:Honestly, has anyone seen you in your underwear in the past 3 months?
• HAHA ERM. I DO NOT THINK SO
• 15:Is it hard for you to get over someone?
• depends. if there are many hot guys around for me to drool over, then yes I can get over that someone. However, leave me at home alone with my thoughts and i'll stay hung up forever!
• 16:Think back five months ago, were you single?
• yes
• 17:What were you doing at 12:30 this afternoon?
• probably watching a movie. or warming up lunch for my brother
• 18:Hold hands with anyone this week?
• does my cat count?
• 19:Could you go for the rest of your life without drinking alcohol?
• hahhaa peer pressure buddy, peer pressure.
• 20:What would you name your future daughter?
• uhm. it used to be Gabriella, but I'm not so fond of the name anymore. maybe Victoria. it sounds like a nice name haha
• 21:Do you miss anyone?
• no
• 22:Have you kissed three or more people in one night?
• haha! no. it's funnny cause i know someone who did.
• 23:Did your last kiss take place in/on a bed?
• nope
• 24:Are you good at hiding your feelings?
• I think so. 
• 25:Have you ever cried from being so mad?
• yes I have. countless times in the past 
• 26:Who did you last see in person?
• Doreen muh bitch
• 27:Are you listening to music right now?
• no ahaha. just me and my brain thinking
• 28:What is something you currently want right now?
• money?? hahahaha or maybe an iPad. oh wait, a job!!! 
• 29:What is the last thing you said out lot?
• ??
• 30:How is your heart lately?
• haha it's fine. thanks for asking
• 31:Do you wear the hood on your hoodie?
• yea, if i owned one
• 32:Are you wearing socks?
• nope
• 33:What do people call you?
• they call me melo :) 
• 34:Will you talk to the person you like tonight?
• haha nope
• 35:Are there any stressful situations in your life?
• kinda. I'm bummed that most of my friends are working now. leaving me alone in life of unemployment :( 
• 36:Who did you last share a bed with?
• my cat
• 37:Did you do something bad today?
• nope. I'm a good girl. except maybe the part where I stared at the hot guy's hot bod just now at the park. in my defense, it was him who decided to go shirtless in a public park!
• 38:When was the last time a member of the opposite sex hugged you?
• erm, does a half hug count? if not then it was probably valentines. 
• 39:Do you get stressed out easily?
• nope. I'm a chill person
• 40:Will you sing today?
• haha nahhh. it's late
• 41:Have you ever wanted to tell someone something but didn’t?
• a lot of times actually. like when your friend has food stuck in her teeth, I DO NOT FREAKIN KNOW HOW TO BREAK THE NEWS TO HER. or how bout if you did something not so good, how are you supposed to tell your parents?? hahaha
• 42:Who do you go to when you need to talk to someone?
• tbh, i rarely talk about my feelings so yea. but for other matters, i do have specific friends that I turn to. it depends on who i think would relate to what i want to talk about
• 43:Have you ever been taken to the emergency room in an ambulance?
• noppeee
• 44:What are you listening to right now?
• the sound of my cat chasing her collar around my room? hahaha
• 45:What is wrong with you right now?
• i'm poor
• 46:What is on your wrists right now?
• my new tattoo? MUAHAHA
• 47:Where did you get the shirt/sweatshirt you’re wea
• i got it from Philippines. 
• 48:What do you like better: hot chocolate or hot apple cider?
• hot choc
• 49:Do you make wishes at 11:11?
• haha yes I Do. 
• 50:Are you a good artist?
• I wish!! 
• 51:Love really is a beautiful thing huh?
• uhm, I guess so. If not for love, where would we be huh 
• 52:Do you miss the way things were six months ago?
• hmmm I guess so. but I'm hoping the future leads me to more exciting adventures :) 
• 53:Ever been on a golf cart?
• sadly no
• 54:Do you have trust issues?
• hahaha no idea. i don't think so
• 55:Ever stayed up all night on the phone, with who?
• those were the days
• 56:Do you own something from Hot Topic?
• nope
• 57:Do you use chap stick?
• nope
• 58:Have you ever slapped someone in the face?
• no haha
• 59:Do you have a little sister?
• nope
• 60:Have you ever been to New York?
• nope :C 
• 61:Think of the last person who said I love you, do you think they meant it?
• errr of course they meant it! hahah
• 62:Have you hugged someone within the last week?
• not sure but i think not
• 63:What were you doing at midnight last night?
• watching a movie. we've gone through this!
• 64:Have you ever regretted kissing someone?
• nope
• 65:Is there one person in your life that can always make you smile?
• yes :) 
• 
  

Kill Your Darlings

"He loved you. And the truth is, once, you loved him back.

But the secret ate away at you.

So in Chicago, you tried to kill yourself.

He rescued you

He saved your life

You needed him as much as he needed you.

Some things,

Once you've loved them,

become yours forever.

And if you try to let them go

they only circle back and return to you.

They become part of who you are

Or they destroy you."

"Be careful

You are not in Wonderland

I've heard the strange madness 

long growing in your soul

but you are fortunate in your ignorance, 

in your isolation.

You who have suffered

find where love hides

Give, share, lose

lest we die unbloomed." 

"Another lover hits the universe.

The circle is broken.

But with death comes rebirth.

And like all lovers and sad people,

I am a poet."

"He wants my help

and I don't know if I should give it to him.

I don't know if it's right.

It's just a mess.

- You let him go.

- What?

- Don't help him.

- I can't, Mom. He's my best friend.

- Listen to me.

The most important thing

your father ever did was fail me.

You understand?"

                                                                                                          link

x

watched Kill Your Darlings this morning, and I had very high expectations of the movie - mainly because my current love Dane deHaan (Harry Osborn from the Amazing Spiderman 2) is in it!!

I had a good excuse to be worried. Since the week began, I've been spending my time watching the movies I've downloaded in the past. Most of which were downloaded out of a certain fandom. and if you know me well, you'd know that these fandoms usually don't last very long (ha ha). So I end up downloading shit movies just because a particular person's in it. Let's just say out of the two movies I watched daily since Monday, one of them would be shitty. 

So I did research for this movie! and to my delight, it received good response from Rotten Tomatoes and IMDB! hehe a good sign ;) 

Then I watched the trailer. (I sound so pathetically hooked I'll look back few months from now and facepalm myself) and read a little bit of the synopsis. heck, I even googled what Beat Generation was! that's how much in love I was. I was so afraid I wouldn't enjoy the movie because I couldn't understand so I did everything possible to make sure everything would go right. haha!! I never knew I can be this dedicated. ngek

thankfully, the movie did not disappoint. I watched the movie twice!! hahaha to be fair I went about sweeping the house and just let the movie repeat LOL! but still, every time I walk pass my tv I would just stop and admire that beautiful face of Lucien Carr. yeap, that's Dane deHaan's character's name. sexy as fuck. I rarely say this, but seriously, Dane deHaan okay maybe I shan't go there.

have you ever loved a moment so much you wish it would last forever? that's how I feel about this movie. I wish I can remember every scene with him in it and how I felt seeing him on screen. but I know that with each passing minute I remember less and less, and it's actually making me sad. I want to stay in that moment.. forever. :( idk why I'm feeling like this. post-period-emotional-roller-coaster, perhaps?? or maybe, there's just something to that face. and that voice. and those eyes. did I mention that Dane deHaan's voice is so sexy, yet nerdy at the same time? and every time he raises his voice, it shakes and makes him sound like a whiny teenager? haha sigh. 

oh my gosh I sound so pathetic but I really need to rant. I hope one day I'll find someone close to Dane deHaan's sexyness and drown myself in being infatuated with him. fuck my fucking life lol. just fuck all these feelings zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz fuck T.T 

okay. pictures of the hottie. and to those who are going to watch the movie. please pay attention to the part where he brought Allen to a party, and to the exact moment when he said "Allen in Wonderland." 

I literally fucking died when he said that (okay not literally literally lol). but I cried at how sexy that voice was when he said it!!!!!!! I was like the shit I would do to have him say that in my ear. it would be damn easy for him to turn me on wtf just saying. URGH STOP THE FEELINGS PLEASE GO AWAY. OKAY BYE. ENDING WITH GORGEOUS PICS OF MY BABy. 

the lucky ones

shadows settle on the place that you left

our minds are troubled by the emptiness

destroy the middle, it's a waste of time

from the perfect start to the finish line

and if you're still breathing, you're the lucky ones

'cause most of us are heaving through corrupted lungs

setting fire to our insides for fun

collecting names of the lovers that went wrong

the lovers that went wrong

we are the reckless

we are the wild youth

chasing visions of our futures

one day we'll reveal the truth

that one will die before he gets there

and if you're still bleeding, you're the lucky ones

'cause most of our feelings, they are dead and they are gone

we're setting fire to our insides for fun

collecting pictures from the flood that wrecked our home

it was a flood that wrecked this..

and you caused it..

well i've lost it all, i'm just a silhoutte

a lifeless face that you'll soon forget

my eyes are damp from the words you left

ringing in my head, when you broke my chest

and if you're in love, then you are the lucky one

'cause most of us are bitter over someone

setting fire to our insides for fun

to distract our hearts from ever missing them

but i'm forever missing him

and you caused it

"Youth" - Daughter

x

x

sad words like these lift me up, somehow. it's not wrong to like sorrow, right? been spending the whole night listening to songs via youtube, one hour long videos of compilations of songs from various singers from a competition to be exact. it's almost 2am and I'm contemplating whether i should continue listening to my remaining tabs or just continue tomorrow. no wonder i have a big butt. i sit in front of my computer all day ~.~ !

you know what, i like small fonts too. it gives me security that no one would bother to read 'cause it's such a struggle, so I have the freedom to write whatever I want. however, it also makes the person who would read my tiny-font blog post til the end, seem much more sincere. :) 

"thanks for bothering :)" - a sincere thank you note from a girl who likes sad things and small fonts 

Graduation 2014!

yes, peeps, I'm officially graduated! 

but do not be fooled with these pictures, it was an awesome moment and memory shared with my family and friends, but to be honest, life seems to be at a stand still for me. *pouts

it's been half a year and i'm still rotting at home, struggling to survive.. 

but that's okay! 'cause I'm a graduate, lol just kidding. 

I just see people doing all this great stuff, travelling with friends after graduating, then landing a great job once they decide it's time to get back to reality. it's like they're living the life, the life. 

and I can't help but feel sorry for myself. 

I know, I know, I sound so pitiful it's a shame really.

 I should probably learn to be a little more grateful. but it's just so hard to be grateful given my situation - everyone around me is travelling the globe like it's the easiest thing in the world. is it, though? 

as for now, I'm holding on to my last hope. a way to stop myself from feeling all these nonsense, a way to better myself and hopefully, live the life I've always wanted. I just hope it realizes, else, I'd be back to square one, picking up the pieces of my broken dreams, and through tears, tell myself that it's all gonna be okay, I'm gonna make it big. I'm gonna make it big someday, someday. 

xx

okay, enough mopping around. I feel much better after typing all those. some pictures from my graduation ceremony a week ago :] 

selfie with the BFF. not just any BFF, my twitter BFF ever since foundation! haha :D 

oh and a really cute guy's silhouette photobombing us too.  

candid shot in front of the new library building. am really gonna miss being a university student, the memories and people in campus are definitely gonna make me go all nostalgic years from now. 

ah, the throwing-my-graduation-hat-while-still-maintaining-composure-and-smile pose. took us a few shots to nail it, but it was a fun process! hahaha :D

flowers from my parents

thanks for your unconditional love. though sometimes you are harsh to me, I will try my best to understand that it is in your best interest that you do the things you do. what parent doesn't want the best for their kid, right? :) 

with Katty

the elevator selfie :D 

Ah Wee! I've missed her so 

with Doreen, muh bitch xD

with Samuel. 

my pretty babes

:) 

that is all, signing off. 

to better days ahead. x