Wednesday, 4 March 2015

A Diary

Yesterday was the day I lost my cat, Hope. She was the closest thing to my heart. I'm writing my feelings down as the days go by, hopefully this will prove that time does heal.


Day 1 (the day it happened)
28/2/2015 Saturday 
Today we celebrate my parents' wedding anniversary. The party's at our place at night. It was a good day. I came home from a friend's house warming with Hope welcoming me at the door as usual. I let her out, and admired how beautiful my cat is. Her fur's a mix of grey and black, and she has the most beautiful yellow eyes, which shined brighter than usual under the sunlight. She's so chubby I feel like pulling her tight for a hug every time I see her. Her light blue collar just makes her even more cute to look at. 

I let her wander around the house compound. It was a great day and I didn't want her to feel confined to the house with no freedom. Everything was going great. Then it was 630pm, almost time for the party. I decided to go look for her so I can bring her in and get ready. 

I couldn't find her. Called her name but she was nowhere to be found. So I went back in and decided to get her after I'm ready. Halfway through my brother knocked on my door telling me my cat was outside of the house and they couldn't get her in. I told him to wait and that I'll get her when I'm ready. It didn't bother me much because she does go outside of the house but she never wanders on the street. 

The second time my brother came and knocked on my door, all he said was to come and see my cat. I didn't know what he meant then. I saw him grabbing a black plastic bag from his room and even asked why he needed that. I thought it was for the party. 

So I went down, smiling, and went outside, thinking that my cat would obediently come in once she sees that it's me. There were a lot of cars parked outside due to the party, and I could see my brothers standing by the road and looking at me worryingly. Honestly? I kinda knew then that something was wrong. I shrugged it off anyway. 

I walked over, and saw my cat lying on the ground. Her eyes wide open. Tongue slightly out of her mouth. She does that when she's scared. She looked so alive, I couldn't believe she was dead. I just couldn't! I stroke her and called her name, hoping against hope that I'd see her breathe, see her move. But she didn't. She just laid there. But I just couldn't accept it. 


Tears started pouring as I shouted her name again and again and again. Not much came out of my mouth. I was a mess. My baby, lying emotionless outside my house. And there was nothing I could do. 

I don't know how long I stood there crying. My dad came and told me to just leave her be. What's done is done and we can't do anything about it. I felt bad. It was their wedding anniversary party, but all I wanted to do was stay outside and hug my cat until she's alive again. At that moment, I knew exactly what I'd wish for if I was given 3 wishes. I want my cat alive, I want a miracle. But I don't have three wishes. 

Cars passed by, some even stopped to see what we were looking at. I wanted to swear at them, curse them for nosing. What does this have anything to do with you?! 

Then my mum came out, and gave me a hug. I can feel everyone looking at me with the most pity expression. Finally, dad said to put Hope into the black plastic bag. He wanted to throw her!! I insisted on burying her in the backyard and I am so grateful he said yes. I watched as my brother lifted my cat up and into the plastic bag. Her body, so lifeless. It made me accept that it really was happening. My cat is dead. I felt a part of me died with her. 

I hid in the bathroom when Fr Vincent was blessing the food and also reciting the wedding vows for my parents. I'm so sorry I couldn't grace them with my presence as I tear every second I think of my cat. The night went by in a blur. I was the lousiest daughter for missing out on the party that meant so much to my parents...

That same night, my brother brought me to the beach. I told him I needed to scream, let it all out. I thought I was going nuts, losing it because I could almost swear I hear Hope's bell every now and then when I was in my room. I went there but no sound came out. I couldn't scream. 

I realize I'm most sad when I'm at home, where me and Hope shared the most memories. 


Day 2
1/3/2015 Sunday 
My eyes swell from all the crying. I didn't play so well in mass today. I cried on the way to church when dad brought up Hope. I cried on the way home when an uncle brought up Hope.

We gave her a funeral service after mass. Dad dug up the grave. And I pet her one last time before it was goodbye, forever. I couldn't see Hope because she was inside the black plastic bag. But I could feel her through the plastic. Her body has hardened, and she was arched in the way she usually does when she's asleep at home. That made me feel slightly better, knowing that she's just resting. But that didn't stop the tears from falling. 

I slowly put Hope into the hole. Then dad started filling the hole. Before he did, he said a few words, something like you've been a really good girl and you will be missed. I can tell he was sad too, we were all so fond of Hope. Dad decorated Hope's memorial with stones and flowers. He made the stones shape like a cross. This made me feel so happy. I feel like we can see her again when we get to heaven! 

We can see the grave from the guest room. I cried a little less today. But when I was in the guest room staring at the grave, tears came again and I just sobbed and sobbed and sobbed. But I was happy for I know she loved playing in that garden. I hope she's happy with where we placed her. 

I listened to a friend's advice and went out tonight. She wanted me to have fun so I won't think so much. I felt better after all that crying and didn't even breakdown when I told her the story. I felt strong. It was a good night spent with friends. My eyes were blurry the whole night. They thought it was my contacts drying up, they didn't know it was because I've been crying the whole day.

the drive home was torturous. 

My mind wanders back to my daily routines. Long day out, come home, If Hope's outside, I would hear her bell and she'd come running to me and follow me into the house. If she's inside, then I would hear her bell followed by her meow behind the door. 

Now, it's just silence. 

I wandered around the house, and mistake my hair as Hope. I was shocked but oh how I wish she really came back. Is it weird that I still don't believe she's gone? I can still feel her with me. I sit on the couch and stare out, knowing she loves the view from that window 'cause she can see the birds clearly. On hot afternoons, she hides behind the couch and stares outside. 

I still miss her. Typing this makes me miss her even more. And the tears just won't stop. Why did you have to go so soon? You've had such a hard life before you came into mine, and I was planning on giving you many more years of pampered life. It makes me sad that I can't do that anymore. I hope you were happy under my care. 



Day 3
2/3/2015 Monday
I don't cry as easily as before. Not when I'm out and about. But I have to admit, things get extremely hard for me to cope with once I reach home. There's too many haunting memories. I love it and I hate it.

Hope's poop bucket is still beside the downstairs toilet. That was her corner. She also liked sitting beside the guest room window and stare out, drifting in her own world. Her food which spill a little on my bedroom floor is still as it is. I don't have the heart to clear it up. After work, I'd lie on the sofa and stare outside like she always does. I saw a bird this morning and it made me smile. I knew she would've loved it and would jump excitedly at the window. What else? There's just so many things about her that makes me love her. Listing them all out would be an impossible feat. I just really wish we had more years together. 

x

A thought has been eating away in my mind since day 1. Why? Why did this have to happen? Couldn't it have been avoided? Possibly. If only I had went out to get her the first time my brother called me to. Why did I take for granted that everything would be okay? It was a mistake, a grave one which cost me the one thing I couldn't afford losing. 

Days are bearable but nights are not. And what scares me most is knowing that someday in the distant future, I would be okay. How can I look myself in the mirror knowing I've moved on and stop mourning? How can you move on from someone's death? Answers. I need answers. I need to know why this had to happen. What is the reason behind it. ?


Day 5
4/3/2015 Wednesday
I still have not cleared up the spot in my room where i put all her stuff. her water, her food, her toys.. idk what to do. i cried in the office this morning after being scolded by my boss. sometimes i really want to be where she is. at least i'll have her by my side. 

now i'm on my laptop, opening up the folder with all her pictures. i'm so grateful i kept every picture i've taken of her over the years. i'm crying 'cause she's such a beautiful cat and because of me her life was cut short. i still can't believe this is true. maybe i'll wake up someday soon? 


Day 6
5/3/2015 Thursday
Sometimes I feel like I dread coming home. I can picture my cat everywhere. I imagine her behind the gate, or running to the door. I can even faintly hear her meow and her bell. But as soon as I start listening for it, it's gone..

Every time i open the front door, I still pause to hear that familiar meow. But it's no longer there. When I open the door, I naturally look down to check if she's behind the door. oh God, this is too much to bear. She's really gone, and she'll never be back.

That's too harsh a truth for me to handle.


Day 11
10/3/2015 Tuesday
pain gets more bearable as reality slowly seeps its way in.. i'm at a loss for words. I don't cry anymore, but i have to put on a smile every time people ask about my cat, because if i don't i know i'd breakdown and i honestly don't know how long it'll take for me to recollect myself in front of them. it's just something i do. i don't like to display my feelings for people to see. sure, i write them out, but outside? no. i guess i just want people to think i'm stronger than i really am.


but there are times when i want to just leave this world, and be with my cat
somewhere in paradise.


Day 12
11/3/2015 Wednesday
I visited Hope's grave today. the weather was glorious today, unlike the day before. windy, and not too hot. I hope you like the new flower I placed, my dear Hopey. I still miss you more than ever. Sometimes I wish you can talk to me, so I'd at least know how you felt about everything. were you happy? content?


will you ever forgive my carelessness?


Day 18
17/3/2015 Tuesday
i'm having thoughts of getting a new cat. i can't stand how empty this house feels without you here. everyday i find myself pushing back thoughts and memories that will trigger something inside me. it hurts.. i feel so powerless. for i can't bring you back to life no matter what i do. this sucks

i've resorted to accepting the two stray cats outside our house. i've lost you, might as well be nice to them. honestly. i tried loving the pregnant stray cat. i pet her, feed her, call out to her.

but she doesn't sound like you, she doesn't feel like you, she's just not you. my poor poor Hope. I miss you so goddamn much it hurts. I don't think i can ever love another cat as much as I loved you. screw getting a new cat when i can't even find it in me to love the one outside my house.

sigh. all i have are pictures. i'm transferring them to my laptop. hopefully I have enough to keep myself sane long enough.

how long does it take to get over something like this?



Day 19
18/3/2015 Wednesday 
Sweeping the floor, such a simple task that brings back great memories. I remember how you would play around everytime i sweep. Now everything is coming back to me. I haven't cried in days, I thought I forgot how to feel. Turns out I'm still human after all. 

Hope, I miss you so much. I miss how you're always playing and hiding from me, waiting to be found. I can't help but think of the day you left me. Were you waiting for me to find you? Were you hiding under the car waiting for me to get you??! I can't help but feel like you were. And I can only say, if only I were there sooner. Maybe things would've been different, maybe you'd still be by my side.

I read somewhere that it takes 21 days to break a habit. It was that post that inspired me to write this. But my 21 days are almost up. And quite frankly, I don't want to forget you, I don't want to break this habit of missing you everywhere I go, I don't want you to be gone. 😢


Day 30
29/3/2015 Sunday
the stray cat outside our home gave birth the day before. as I look at her and the babies, I can't help but think.. if only it were Hope giving birth.

I really want a new cat, something for me to love, a reason to stay home often. but no cat can ever be you. oh how I want you back by my side. i don't know what i'm trying to say. all the words in my head are now suddenly splattered, gone.


all I have are regrets. and pictures. and fading memories.
i want you back.


Day xxx
4/12/2016 Sunday
dropping by and read this post from the top. tears fell down my face naturally. has it been more than a year already? a few more months and it'll be two. time really does wait for no one..

i'm better now. i'm better now. :)