Wednesday, 24 September 2014

it's like you want the pain to end, but you don't mind it staying

someone requested i blog more. haha. sometimes it makes me feel like what's the point? no one would bother to read anyways. all visitors/comments i get are spams. pfft

anyways, working life is so so. nothing much going on, still clueless about life. which got me thinking, maybe this is life. you don't grow up to a certain age and just suddenly figure out all there is to life. nope. that's the thing about life - you never know what's ahead, what's next, you just dive right in in hopes that whatever decision you make changes your life, in the best way possible.

there are many things in our lives that we get to decide. we are, in fact, in control of our own lives. we can't decide how our day will go, but we get to choose how we handle it. on top of that, we also get to choose who hurts us, who affect us, who breaks us apart.

i'm no good at decisions. i suck at it, actually. you ask me what i want to eat, i'll tell you that i'm fine with anything. you ask me whether your new hair cut suits you, i'll tell you "okay ah." the rare times, however, that i do make my choices, well let's just say that - they suck. people watching me make my decisions cannot fathom why i do the things i do, when i know very well it's the wrong choice, that this decision of mine will break me and tear me into a million pieces. they say you're blinded by your own decisions. i'm not. i know exactly what i'm doing to myself, and yet i still stick by my choices. i've always been a fool, but only because i choose to. i don't, however, know why i choose to be this dumb. maybe i just like to feel the burn. i'd like to think that who knows? maybe this time round it'll work. it never does. because i reach for things that are way beyond my limits, things that do not belong to me. it's like wanting to live in the Sun, knowing that her heat will destroy you, yet still holding to that strand of hope that maybe, maybe the scientists got it all wrong. do you see how dumb I am?!

anyways, here's the end of my rant. my life will not be my life, if i gave up on all these things that make me sad. don't get me wrong, in a very weirdly twisted way, i like being sad. i don't know why. it's like you want the pain to end, but you don't mind it staying.

Monday, 8 September 2014

yourself .