Wednesday, 19 February 2014

what do we crave most in life?

wanna know what someone lacks? see what they want in life.

someone who has all things material, craves attention. whereas those who has all the attention in the world, rely on material stuff to feel complete. we're all different, each of us. we have different reasons to get up in the morning. we find joy in different things, be it family, friends or whatever it is that drives us.

 i used to be happy. if you ask me what i crave the most in life, my answer back when i was still in high school would most probably be "freedom". the reason is simple - because back then my parents were so strict, i was the one missing out on all the activities my friends had. which made me really really sad. but guess what, i was still happy.

 if you asked me the same question when I was in university, my answer would probably be "money". watching my friends travelling to places around the world took its toll on me. I can never be truly happy for them 'cause deep down I felt miserable. I wanted to join them so badly. i wanted to be inside the pictures too. i wanted to take a breather and enjoy new sights and experience too! none of that ever happened, because it just was never meant to be, me and money, we were never fated. 

so now, if you ask me that same question, i would probably take a while to come up with an answer. yes, i do still want freedom, but not as much as i'm not as restricted as i was before. I can go out late now, and am present for almost all of the gatherings. i do still want money, but dare not dream too much about it because i'm still no where near finding a job. I guess what i want most now, is recognition. i want people to believe in me, i want my family to trust that i can get things done. more importantly, i want to believe that i can get things done. but look at me, doubting myself time after time. i don't know who i am and what i can offer. all i see is a pile of emotional mess, who can't even look at herself straight in the eye and tell herself she is happy with what she's become. i am not happy, that is certain. i am not happy with how my life turned out. i am not happy that i am still unemployed. i am not happy that i can't believe in myself enough to take up the responsibilities that come with adulthood. i am not happy because i turned out to be so mediocre, not exceptionally good in anything, just floating in the middle. i am so angry with myself, at how scared i am at every little thing that makes me feel insecure. when was the last time i stepped out of my comfort zone? when was the last time i did something that made my family proud, and myself, proud? all i see are absurd expectations and commitment, and i am angry at myself because deep down, really deep down, i know that i am running away. that shitty part of me that is in denial that i am officially an adult is tearing my insides apart, and i don't know how much longer i can hold on.. 

Thursday, 6 February 2014


“It's not life or death, the labyrinth. Suffering. Doing wrong and having wrong things happen to you. That's the problem. Bolivar was talking about the pain, not about the living or dying. How do you get out of the labyrinth of suffering?” 

― John GreenLooking for Alaska

Saturday, 1 February 2014

happy buys :>

so the new mall in Miri city - Permaisuri Imperial City Mall just opened up recently. 
it's our city's very own mini branded mall. 

well there's not much brands to choose from to be frank, but there's this little Guess shop and I fell in love with a wallet during my first visit!! <3 <3 <3

so after pondering on it for quite a while, (the sales assistants had to endure me touching every single one of their wallets in store kidding), I finally decided that yes, it is my destiny to get that wallet!!

so on the day I was supposed to get the wallet, we had lunch at Board Riders Cafe beforehand. 
if you didn't know, BRC is located inside Quicksilver! I think it's kinda cool how there's another door for food inside a clothes shop haha. 

the theme is similar to Starbucks, price is around the range too. 
all of us ordered sandwiches

I guess the food there is so so, but service and environment is good. :) 

so after lunch, I excitedly walked over to Guess to get my wallet!! I was so excited I was literally walking on air! hopping and giggling like a little girl whose dad just agreed to get her a unicorn! haha

but alas, when we reached the entrance, I SAW A LADY FONDLING MY WALLET!!! triple emphasis on the MY!!! I was devastated and just stood at the entrance staring, not sure whether to laugh or cry. 
I told my friends not to go in! haha i mean, how was I supposed to react? pretend to walk around the store looking at other things then grab the wallet once she lets go?? 

but they insisted on walking in so I had to follow. 

so in the end it went home with me! ;) 

and guess what, the first time I saw it, it was only 15% off. then when I got it, it was 30% off! hahaha

lesson learnt: 
always wait a few days before buying something. xD 

just look at that beauty!! 

my friend got me this hello kitty file from Taiwan!! heheh happy happy :3 

another recent purchase was my Ombre Spike Jelly Shoes which I got from Carousell. Carousell is an app where people get to sell their preloved/brand new stuff! haha so I was delighted when I saw the pair on the site (it was in my size!) 'cause I saw someone wearing it to a wedding and knew deep down that I just had to have a pair. ;) 

kept receiving praises on my shoes from my relatives! haha major loves
my aunt even asked me to find her a similar pair! haha still fretting on how I can find something similar cause I really never see this shoe design online before! :O 

so IF you happen to read this post and know where I can purchase one, do let me know!! :D 

email me at:


signing off with this blurry picture of me and Hope!! my adorably chubby grumpy kitty!! <3