Thursday, 18 June 2015

but why does it have to be so hard?

if i just poured my heart out to you, how would you react? no, i don't mean it in a confession-of-my-undying-love-for-you way, the kind of pouring i mean is where i just drop down all the walls that i've built over the years, strip them all down, and share with you every bit of insecurity, secret, and feeling i have inside this tainted heart of mine.

tell me, i bet you wouldn't be able to find any word to say.

that's the thing about people. we're not good at expressing. i'm the worst at expressing. i just shut down whenever someone tells me something i don't know how to react to. i remember telling a friend that sometimes i lie awake and think: why did my cat have to die? if only it didn't happen that day, if only she were still alive. yep. i rarely say things like these and just felt like testing the water that day. i wasn't particularly sad or anything when i said it, i just said it to see how he would react. upon hearing me say that, he became the most awkward creature to walk our earth. he wouldn't even look at me! i don't even remember him saying anything in reply to it. yep peeps. we are all so used to bottling things up we don't know how to react when someone actually has the guts to spill their feelings. what is this??

i blame it on our Asian culture. we're all too uptight and wired and angry and roaming around with a mask on our face, wanting to show the world we're in a better state than we actually are. why? why do we do that?

is it not acceptable to not be okay once in a while? i mean, this life isn't easy. i think we all deserve a break from our habit once in a while. have that cake you're constantly avoiding because you're scared of the calories. cake is good, cake listens and cake heals. bahaha. oh cake also makes you fat.

but heck, who am i to say anything about people not knowing how to express when I myself don't know shit when it comes to consoling others. we all have a long way to go in expressing. it shouldn't be this hard. maybe we just need to learn to let go a bit.


Monday, 15 June 2015


i wish there was a place for me to store
all these feelings i have for you

because i don't want to feel any of it

any longer.

Friday, 5 June 2015


what do you do when someone you treasure dearly, leaves? and you know they're never coming back.
it's easy to go on, it's easy to push these things to the back of your head and focus on what's in front of you. but what happens when a memory manages to seep its way to your head? you remember everything. you remember what you did, and how you felt at that moment. and you want to feel it again, but you can't, because that person is gone. right now, i'm experiencing this crazy roller coaster, where at one moment i tell myself i'm fine, she wants me to be happy, i will not cry anymore etc etc then reality hits me and i cry again. i don't think you ever get over the death of a love one. i haven't even truly gotten over the death of my cat. two friends. two friends, gone

if you don't know how it feels, let me try to explain it to you - when you're going about your normal day, you start off sad with the memory of their departure fresh in your head. then as the day goes on, you slowly allow yourself to be happy. you let go, bit by bit, and slowly you start laughing and using 'haha's in your texts. you can have a good laugh at a video someone posted. at some point during the day, you suddenly feel overwhelmed with emotions. you don't know where they came from, or how. suddenly, everything anyone says to you is magnified. you feel angry, sad, happy, all at once. you suddenly feel the need to express everything. then you remember your friend who's no longer there. you look at past pictures. a familiar face, but no longer present. then it hits you. it hits you like a wave. you cannot run, you can only allow it to overwhelm you, and hope you survive the drown. but how do you describe this sinking realization? it's like, an emptiness, slowly filling your being. if you do not know how empty feels like, then maybe you're the lucky one. for those who do, yes, imagine, that empty feeling, slowly, working it's way from your heart outwards. the only way to make it stop is to rip your heart out but you can't, so you let it rip you apart instead. 

so yes. i'm doing fine. just that at certain moments i am not. i really am not. and through all this, the only thing i can offer, is prayers for the family members. i'm merely a friend who drifted apart and already i'm feeling all this. i cannot imagine what they are feeling now. so that's what i'll do. i'll offer prayers in hopes that their pain will be bearable and that they will never lose hope. 

please know that life is still beautiful, perhaps a little less, but still worth living. 

so pretty :) 
you will be missed <3 

i'm sorry i haven't been the best friend to you, i couldn't even find a nice pic of the two of us.
 you've been nothing but nice to me. 
you are always there for me whenever i need you. and i am so grateful for that. i still can't believe i lost you both. i broke down the moment i found out it was you. it was too much to be true. but i'm slowly coming to terms with this harsh reality, and i know you'd want us, all of us who love you, to be happy. that's how selfless you are. i'm sorry if i seldom show my appreciation towards you. i hope you always knew and i'm sorry if i ever took you for granted. 
lastly, i am awfully sorry i couldn't be there for your funeral. i owe you that much, but i didn't fulfill my last duty as a friend to you. i know if tables were turned and it was me, you'd do anything to see me one last time. selfless love. thank you, for spreading so much love among your friends and families. 

i can only hope we filled you with the same amount of love. 


Tuesday, 2 June 2015

p r o v o k e d

you know how you lay in bed at night, and sometimes a thought just enters your head?

last night i remembered the fit i threw at this cafe owner opposite our hotel. - it was the second day of our KL getaway, my colleague and i were looking for a place to takeaway breakfast, so we chanced upon this cafe opposite our hotel.

there were pau's and dimsum's at whatnot right at the front. so we stood there, waiting for someone to take our order. so this man, presumably the cafe owner, came out. he took the clip and a plate, so i said to him that we want to takeaway. he act like he didn't hear me and asked what we wanted. actually, he wasn't even asking me. he was only asking my colleague. -.- so i repeated myself, I said we want to takeaway. the reason being i don't want him to put our food on the plate then get mad at us when we say we want to takeaway. WTF I WAS BEING NICE OKAY.

his head slowly turned to me, and he said (in a very annoyed tone), "yes, takeaway takeaway. i know you want to takeaway, can you just tell me what you want to takeaway??"

MA DIAO FUCK. did I do or say anything wrong need to snap at me like that? then fine lor, he want to reply so rudely it's his business. he took my colleague's order and didn't bother asking for mine. that was it for me. i tried swallowing my anger down but i was fuming. am i supposed to just accept his behavior? so cb lan jiao one. he has neither btw.

so i accepted that he didn't want to take my order and i'm fine with that. but then the bill came and the order was RM12++, for a few paus and dimsum. so, i took this as the perfect opportunity to let out my anger on this wonderful cafe owner.

we went over to the counter and asked him to breakdown the cost to us. i was talking in normal tone to be honest. he looked very displeased, didn't utter a word, took a pen and paper and wrote everything and the price then shoved the paper to our faces. i don't know how to explain but his actions were just very rude! after he did all that, he said, in malay, "everything is displayed in front already why still need to ask". wow. so being already very annoyed at how rude he was, i snapped back, saying, in malay as well (I HAVE NO IDEA WHY WE WERE TALKING IN MALAY), "well, you don't have to be rude about it. we were just asking."

to which he replied, actually, he shouted back at me, saying "you bising bising sana buat apa??!" (yes, these were his exact words) and at this point he was already standing up. I scanned his table for any knives (HAHA i don't want to die by his hands) before i screamed back (while walking out of his stupid cafe) "is it wrong to ask????? this is the worst cafe i have ever been to"!!!! he shouted a few words back at me but i couldn't make out what he was saying.

i was so so so so angry while my colleague was just quiet beside me. she's usually the one who speaks up so it felt weird that i was so worked up over this. i had to apologize and said "i'm sorry you had to see me like this."

honestly, it felt scary 'cause i was so angry i couldn't think. every blood in my vein was rushing to my head i feel like i was going to explode. :( i have anger management issues, people. somebody send help. but i don't regret saying those things to the shop owner. he was so rude! how can you treat your customers like that.

if i'm not mistaken the cafe's name is "happiness cafe" or something oh the irony lol. if i had no conscience i would just set his stupid cafe on fire and make sure he burns along with it but i don't want to see him in hell so i decided against it.

the end. hahaha it soooo good releasing that way, rather than swallowing everything and let stupid people like him get away with their behavior. so, lesson of the day: stand up for yourself. don't let people step on you.