Sunday, 26 July 2015

if wishes came true..

i wish you wouldn't be so hard on me

i wish there was something i could do to change your mind

i wish i could be happy

i wish things were easier

i wish i didn't have to feel half of the things i feel on certain days

i wish i was someone's everything

i wish i didn't care

i wish i was less broken

i wish people knew, my tattoos are reminders for myself. that they are a cry for help. that i only get them when i have so much sad in me i need the physical pain to distract. to put the pain in me to sleep.

i wish they knew, i am not attention seeking. when i post sad everything's, pictures of my tattoos, i am not being boastful about it. i wish they knew how uncomfortable they make me when they ask why i get my tattoos. why? i got it because i was in a state i pray you would never be in. i got it because i was so sad i wanted to hurt myself but i wanted that hurt to be beautiful. i wanted that hurt to leave a permanent mark. that's why i did it. but i would never tell you that.

i wish more people can understand that sadness isn't a choice. i've been good for days, weeks, but now it's back to haunt me. do you ever walk around with tears in your eyes, and you have no direction or the slightest clue of what to do with yourself, with your life. i wish i knew how to end it all. i wish this sadness never comes back. i wish i want happiness enough that i'll vow never to feel sad ever again. i wish i wanted happiness enough. because right now, if you asked me to give up on my sadness, i'd look you in the eye and tell you that.. i can't. 

Tuesday, 21 July 2015

self confidence

"I wanted to explain how now I'd forgotten everything apart from the way he made me feel, like I could do anything, like love wasn't just for perfect people, like love could also be for me.
so my God I wanted to call him, but instead I sat on the floor and drank shots like they were tea. To be honest I don't know if I still loved him, but then I suppose you have to love someone to miss them like that; like hell like absolute-fucking hell." 

on a side note, happy birthday to me :)
i still love sad everything's but that doesn't mean i'm not happy with what i have. thank you for everything, peeps. for the love, friendship and accompaniment. thank you for celebrating me growing old. :D

tbh there's only one thing in my mind when i think of what to wish for - happiness. but i dare not make that wish because some part of me simply does not want to part with the sadness that dwells within me. what is wrong with me?! ikr...

maybe i should wish that. yep. give me another candle and I will wish for my soul to be filled to the brim with happiness. so much happiness and content it'll make me wonder why i ever chose to live in sorrow and pity for so long.

Saturday, 18 July 2015