Thursday, 8 October 2015

this may have inspired my next tattoo

i think everyone knows the saying "everything happens for a reason"

yep, it's true. the good, the bad, especially the bad, they all happen for a reason. 


recently something came up in my work, in short i made a mistake and it had me worried and stressed for days. i thought of all the worse case scenarios that can happen to me, and the more i think about it, the more i suffocated. how are you suppose to better the situation when you're subconsciously choking your own throat? you can't survive if don't allow yourself to breathe.. 

after a few days of being low, suddenly this serene feeling came over me. a thought entered my head - telling me that it will be okay. everything will pass, nothing is too hard to overcome, and nothing lasts forever. especially the bad things. :) this feeling soothed me a little, like, a small part of me believed everything will be alright in the end, but there's still a small part that's cautious because 'what if?'. 

and just yesterday, a lady from church asked me to play for their prayer meeting this Friday. honestly, i was very reluctant. i've always been. but somehow, after thinking about it and thinking of the situation i'm in, i thought to myself, "why not? might as well serve the Lord while i'm still alive." (i thought i was gonna be dead meat given the hot mess i got myself in at work) i replied her a little late and said, okay


to be really honest with you, i'm not a good Christian. sure i go to church every Sunday, sure i pray before meals (at home only), sure I play piano for mass, but you know what, i don't pray at night. i'm always so lazy to do so. and when i was in this mess, i thought of praying to save my ass, but i was too ashamed to do so. imagine, all those days when life was good not once did i turn to the Lord in prayer,.then now, when i'm in dipshit, i pray to Him for help?? the nerve, right? so yeah, i didn't pray to take away my problems. I got myself into this mess, so i had to get myself out. and there's also the fact that i realize i've been relying too much on my parents that i don't know how to make decisions for myself and that kinda sucks. which is part of the reason why i decided to save myself for once

what was the point of this post again?? hahaha i think i sort of strayed from the initial post i wanted to write. 

oh, right, everything happens for a reason. so what i'm trying to say is: maybe all these happened as a reminder that i can't survive on my own, it is one way or another God's way of calling me back to Him. I'd like to think that it was Him who sent the Holy Spirit to me and gave me that calm serenity i felt when I was drowning in woe. yes, that's a very nice thought. i'd like to believe it is. 

Saturday, 26 September 2015

no more human, no less.

Find a beautiful piece of art. If you fall in love with Van Gogh or Matisse or John Oliver Killens, or if you fall love with the music of Coltrane, the music of Aretha Franklin, or the music of Chopin - find some beautiful art and admire it, and realize that that was created by human beings just like you, no more human, no less. - Maya Angelou

Monday, 14 September 2015

la tristesse durera toujours

la tristesse durera toujours - "the sadness will last forever" 

spent most of the day at work today surfing Reddit. there's this section called /nosleep where people post lots of creepy/sad stuff and i have to admit i quite enjoy reading the stuffs there. some days i'd find good ones, others just some really lame made up stuff. *rolls eyes* 

today was a good day i suppose, 'cause i opened a few tabs of titles that caught my attention, and amazingly most of them were good reads. :D so yea, i like reading these posts and feel all weird out and emotional after. cray cray right? hahaha 

oh, i also always google new words i see when reading so it's not all bad ey

just to share, these are one of the few reads i'd recommend:  
   which i later googled to find out 'just deserts' actually means "to get what you deserve (in this case, punishment)". gah, i love play with words like these. i mean, for a bakery it only makes sense to call it "Just Desserts Bakery" right? you'd get why it's called "Just Deserts Bakery" once you read it hehe. anyways, the comments are also very enjoyable. 

      this one was .. unexpected. not exactly the best, but i liked the twist. 

    ah, my favorite. there's just something to this story that makes you know it's real. imagine, wanting to take your own life and having an encounter that makes you rethink everything. so yes, suicide is never the answer. if you're depressed, sad, lost the will to live, read this, and understand that there are many out there who are suffering like you, who are going through the same feelings/struggles you do, and they do get better. it will endone way or another. x




you were the one desire that i could never get a grip on; that i could never call my own, that will never be reality. 
desire is no gentle creature. it is a tide that drags it's victims further and further out to sea, that leaves you staring at a shore made of everything you've ever wanted. 





x

ending this post with a vain picture of ME. well it's been awhile since any of you saw my face, right? hehe. played with make up the other night, gonna try to be a little less lazy and put on lipstick and eyeliner more often!! i am not gonna stay young forever. can't forget to live a little. 


Tuesday, 8 September 2015

roses are red

I'll tell you something, Harpy," he said, his voice almost a whisper now. "It never even occurred to me that we wouldn't make it. And it never occurred to you that we would. You were just waiting for us to go down in flames. I thought we could get through anything. ―Kristan Higgins

Saturday, 5 September 2015

亲爱的你别走


boo. yes, i'm alive. time for some long overdue writing. 

x

remember my previous post? i shared this really beautiful post about loving someone going through depression. at one part, the author mentioned his lover having days where she couldn't even get up from the floor. where she couldn't even go on with her day. 

i was puzzled at the time when i read it. was it possible to feel that big a wave of sadness? sure i feel sad occasionally but never til that extent. well, jinxed on me. i felt that suddenly just now when playing tennis. it just.. happened


i don't know how or where it came from, it just hit me. there i was, standing in the middle of the court, not wanting to do anything, but still standing there for the sake of pleasing my dad. (he gets really upset if we skip our weekend tennis games) my game was lousy. i tried and tried until i wanted to just throw my racket and drive home. but i didn't. i stayed, continued, as if nothing was bothering me. but it was there. it never left. that sad feeling inside of me. i swear i wasn't thinking about that post at the time but in my head all i could think of was wanting to go home and just collapse on my bedroom floor and cry. then my mind thought of the post i read, and i just paused and took in the feeling. so this was what the author's lover was going through. this was how she felt as she lie helplessly on the floor.  

honestly, she's really lucky to have found someone who stayed that long. how do you find someone who understands and is willing to be there for you despite knowing they can't do anything to make you feel better. isn't there any cure? something, anything to make the sadness go away? 

Sunday, 23 August 2015

coffee would be nice

read this story on Reddit the other day.

it's about a guy falling for a girl who suffers depression. and how it didn't end well.


honestly, there's something about depression that hits me. i mean, i feel a certain way for people who go through depression. it's so different and complicated compared to normal sicknesses whose symptoms can be seen with the eyes. like if someone is having fever, we'd know, because s/he is showing all the symptoms. in the case of depression, however, we do not know nor see any symptom. how can you know what is going through someone's head/mind? i find it so mind-boggling how someone can be smiling on the outside but at the same time there is a part of them that is breaking. and no one except that person knows.


i also find it particularly sad that there is no cure to depression. you can't help a depressed person, you can't fix them. well fuck, then how on earth are you supposed to love them? are you willing to be there during the good days and the bad? what if the bad days become so long you barely see the good ones anymore? what if one day you just give up, because why the fuck can't you be enough to stop the waves of sadness. are you not enough?

so many questions, so much emotions, too little answers.



anyways, here are some of the lines from the post that touched me. i love sad stories like these so much. all credit goes to the author for writing and posting it up. if it's a real story, i really hope you get through this. x



"You love me, don't you?" she suddenly said. "Like, I think it's a little obvious."
 "You could say that," I replied.
 "I have baggage," she whispered. I could hear her voice almost snapping in half. "I have a lot of baggage. Baggage you don't know about yet. I just wanna know if you're gonna be cool with that."
 I kissed her on her forehead. "I think I'll be okay, Gigi," I said. "I think I can handle it."

x

Love makes you do all sorts of crazy things - but one thing they don't tell you is that it makes you overestimate yourself. It's a bit like being drunk: you think you could maybe make that jump if you tried hard enough. You think that maybe nothing can break you. You think you could maybe be invincible. But you're not.


It was the angry bouts of depression that hit me the most. She would go on for a whole day at times, slumped on the floor of her apartment, staring at the ceiling. Almost catatonic with dread. She would play sad songs and curl up on the corner - and she wouldn't reply when I tried to talk to her. I would try to ply her with sweets and flowers, but she would sit there with her knees bent against her chin, unable to move.The next day, she would be fine and smiling. She would try to apologize in many different ways - she'd buy me lunch, ply me with sex, be a little more affectionate than usual. It was almost like she was buying her apologies with favors.
x

She sobbed and sobbed, visible through the broken headlights, and I sat inside the car as I suddenly realized that she went to places where I couldn't reach her, couldn't help her at all.
x

There is an exhaustion that sets in when you're trying to pick somebody up from the ground. It's a kind of tiredness that makes you realize that caring has a cost. Making yourself responsible for someone's happiness has a cost.

x

But I tried. Maybe not my best, but I tried. She was fantastic when she was fine, but I sat with her for long nights when she wasn't. When she was her old self, we'd hang out and sometimes I could pretend that we were in that coffee shop again, bantering our way to get through the week. When she wasn't, I stayed awake with her, lying on the floor alongside her when the she was too terrified of the world to move.

Sometimes, I came to resent that.

And in a bout of selfishness on my side, I came to resent it more. The small part of me that was tired and sleepless grew and grew, like a tumor on my side.

And in a bout of crooked selfishness, I decided that I had to let go.


x


sigh. 







Sunday, 26 July 2015

if wishes came true..

i wish you wouldn't be so hard on me

i wish there was something i could do to change your mind


i wish i could be happy



i wish things were easier




i wish i didn't have to feel half of the things i feel on certain days





i wish i was someone's everything






i wish i didn't care







i wish i was less broken








i wish people knew, my tattoos are reminders for myself. that they are a cry for help. that i only get them when i have so much sad in me i need the physical pain to distract. to put the pain in me to sleep.









i wish they knew, i am not attention seeking. when i post sad everything's, pictures of my tattoos, i am not being boastful about it. i wish they knew how uncomfortable they make me when they ask why i get my tattoos. why? i got it because i was in a state i pray you would never be in. i got it because i was so sad i wanted to hurt myself but i wanted that hurt to be beautiful. i wanted that hurt to leave a permanent mark. that's why i did it. but i would never tell you that.










i wish more people can understand that sadness isn't a choice. i've been good for days, weeks, but now it's back to haunt me. do you ever walk around with tears in your eyes, and you have no direction or the slightest clue of what to do with yourself, with your life. i wish i knew how to end it all. i wish this sadness never comes back. i wish i want happiness enough that i'll vow never to feel sad ever again. i wish i wanted happiness enough. because right now, if you asked me to give up on my sadness, i'd look you in the eye and tell you that.. i can't. 

Tuesday, 21 July 2015

self confidence

"I wanted to explain how now I'd forgotten everything apart from the way he made me feel, like I could do anything, like love wasn't just for perfect people, like love could also be for me.
so my God I wanted to call him, but instead I sat on the floor and drank shots like they were tea. To be honest I don't know if I still loved him, but then I suppose you have to love someone to miss them like that; like hell like absolute-fucking hell." 




on a side note, happy birthday to me :)
i still love sad everything's but that doesn't mean i'm not happy with what i have. thank you for everything, peeps. for the love, friendship and accompaniment. thank you for celebrating me growing old. :D

tbh there's only one thing in my mind when i think of what to wish for - happiness. but i dare not make that wish because some part of me simply does not want to part with the sadness that dwells within me. what is wrong with me?! ikr...

maybe i should wish that. yep. give me another candle and I will wish for my soul to be filled to the brim with happiness. so much happiness and content it'll make me wonder why i ever chose to live in sorrow and pity for so long.

Saturday, 18 July 2015

知不知

为什么就是对你念念不忘呢?

Thursday, 18 June 2015

but why does it have to be so hard?

if i just poured my heart out to you, how would you react? no, i don't mean it in a confession-of-my-undying-love-for-you way, the kind of pouring i mean is where i just drop down all the walls that i've built over the years, strip them all down, and share with you every bit of insecurity, secret, and feeling i have inside this tainted heart of mine.

tell me, how.would.you.react? i bet you wouldn't be able to find any word to say.


that's the thing about people. we're not good at expressing. i'm the worst at expressing. i just shut down whenever someone tells me something i don't know how to react to. i remember telling a friend that sometimes i lie awake and think: why did my cat have to die? if only it didn't happen that day, if only she were still alive. yep. i rarely say things like these and just felt like testing the water that day. i wasn't particularly sad or anything when i said it, i just said it to see how he would react. upon hearing me say that, he became the most awkward creature to walk our earth. he wouldn't even look at me! i don't even remember him saying anything in reply to it. yep peeps. we are all so used to bottling things up we don't know how to react when someone actually has the guts to spill their feelings. what is this??

i blame it on our Asian culture. we're all too uptight and wired and angry and roaming around with a mask on our face, wanting to show the world we're in a better state than we actually are. why? why do we do that?

is it not acceptable to not be okay once in a while? i mean, this life isn't easy. i think we all deserve a break from our habit once in a while. have that cake you're constantly avoiding because you're scared of the calories. cake is good, cake listens and cake heals. bahaha. oh cake also makes you fat.

but heck, who am i to say anything about people not knowing how to express when I myself don't know shit when it comes to consoling others. we all have a long way to go in expressing. it shouldn't be this hard. maybe we just need to learn to let go a bit.


:)

Monday, 15 June 2015

-

i wish there was a place for me to store
all these feelings i have for you

because i don't want to feel any of it

any longer.

Friday, 5 June 2015

x




what do you do when someone you treasure dearly, leaves? and you know they're never coming back.
it's easy to go on, it's easy to push these things to the back of your head and focus on what's in front of you. but what happens when a memory manages to seep its way to your head? you remember everything. you remember what you did, and how you felt at that moment. and you want to feel it again, but you can't, because that person is gone. right now, i'm experiencing this crazy roller coaster, where at one moment i tell myself i'm fine, she wants me to be happy, i will not cry anymore etc etc then reality hits me and i cry again. i don't think you ever get over the death of a love one. i haven't even truly gotten over the death of my cat. two friends. two friends, gone

if you don't know how it feels, let me try to explain it to you - when you're going about your normal day, you start off sad with the memory of their departure fresh in your head. then as the day goes on, you slowly allow yourself to be happy. you let go, bit by bit, and slowly you start laughing and using 'haha's in your texts. you can have a good laugh at a video someone posted. at some point during the day, you suddenly feel overwhelmed with emotions. you don't know where they came from, or how. suddenly, everything anyone says to you is magnified. you feel angry, sad, happy, all at once. you suddenly feel the need to express everything. then you remember your friend who's no longer there. you look at past pictures. a familiar face, but no longer present. then it hits you. it hits you like a wave. you cannot run, you can only allow it to overwhelm you, and hope you survive the drown. but how do you describe this sinking realization? it's like, an emptiness, slowly filling your being. if you do not know how empty feels like, then maybe you're the lucky one. for those who do, yes, imagine, that empty feeling, slowly, working it's way from your heart outwards. the only way to make it stop is to rip your heart out but you can't, so you let it rip you apart instead. 


so yes. i'm doing fine. just that at certain moments i am not. i really am not. and through all this, the only thing i can offer, is prayers for the family members. i'm merely a friend who drifted apart and already i'm feeling all this. i cannot imagine what they are feeling now. so that's what i'll do. i'll offer prayers in hopes that their pain will be bearable and that they will never lose hope. 

please know that life is still beautiful, perhaps a little less, but still worth living. 






so pretty :) 
you will be missed <3 



Bobby, 
i'm sorry i haven't been the best friend to you, i couldn't even find a nice pic of the two of us.
 you've been nothing but nice to me. 
you are always there for me whenever i need you. and i am so grateful for that. i still can't believe i lost you both. i broke down the moment i found out it was you. it was too much to be true. but i'm slowly coming to terms with this harsh reality, and i know you'd want us, all of us who love you, to be happy. that's how selfless you are. i'm sorry if i seldom show my appreciation towards you. i hope you always knew and i'm sorry if i ever took you for granted. 
lastly, i am awfully sorry i couldn't be there for your funeral. i owe you that much, but i didn't fulfill my last duty as a friend to you. i know if tables were turned and it was me, you'd do anything to see me one last time. selfless love. thank you, for spreading so much love among your friends and families. 

i can only hope we filled you with the same amount of love. 

:) 


Tuesday, 2 June 2015

p r o v o k e d

you know how you lay in bed at night, and sometimes a thought just enters your head?


last night i remembered the fit i threw at this cafe owner opposite our hotel. - it was the second day of our KL getaway, my colleague and i were looking for a place to takeaway breakfast, so we chanced upon this cafe opposite our hotel.

there were pau's and dimsum's at whatnot right at the front. so we stood there, waiting for someone to take our order. so this man, presumably the cafe owner, came out. he took the clip and a plate, so i said to him that we want to takeaway. he act like he didn't hear me and asked what we wanted. actually, he wasn't even asking me. he was only asking my colleague. -.- so i repeated myself, I said we want to takeaway. the reason being i don't want him to put our food on the plate then get mad at us when we say we want to takeaway. WTF I WAS BEING NICE OKAY.


his head slowly turned to me, and he said (in a very annoyed tone), "yes, takeaway takeaway. i know you want to takeaway, can you just tell me what you want to takeaway??"

MA DIAO FUCK. did I do or say anything wrong need to snap at me like that? then fine lor, he want to reply so rudely it's his business. he took my colleague's order and didn't bother asking for mine. that was it for me. i tried swallowing my anger down but i was fuming. am i supposed to just accept his behavior? so cb lan jiao one. he has neither btw.

so i accepted that he didn't want to take my order and i'm fine with that. but then the bill came and the order was RM12++, for a few paus and dimsum. so, i took this as the perfect opportunity to let out my anger on this wonderful cafe owner.

we went over to the counter and asked him to breakdown the cost to us. i was talking in normal tone to be honest. he looked very displeased, didn't utter a word, took a pen and paper and wrote everything and the price then shoved the paper to our faces. i don't know how to explain but his actions were just very rude! after he did all that, he said, in malay, "everything is displayed in front already why still need to ask". wow. so being already very annoyed at how rude he was, i snapped back, saying, in malay as well (I HAVE NO IDEA WHY WE WERE TALKING IN MALAY), "well, you don't have to be rude about it. we were just asking."


to which he replied, actually, he shouted back at me, saying "you bising bising sana buat apa??!" (yes, these were his exact words) and at this point he was already standing up. I scanned his table for any knives (HAHA i don't want to die by his hands) before i screamed back (while walking out of his stupid cafe) "is it wrong to ask????? this is the worst cafe i have ever been to"!!!! he shouted a few words back at me but i couldn't make out what he was saying.

i was so so so so angry while my colleague was just quiet beside me. she's usually the one who speaks up so it felt weird that i was so worked up over this. i had to apologize and said "i'm sorry you had to see me like this."

honestly, it felt scary 'cause i was so angry i couldn't think. every blood in my vein was rushing to my head i feel like i was going to explode. :( i have anger management issues, people. somebody send help. but i don't regret saying those things to the shop owner. he was so rude! how can you treat your customers like that.


if i'm not mistaken the cafe's name is "happiness cafe" or something oh the irony lol. if i had no conscience i would just set his stupid cafe on fire and make sure he burns along with it but i don't want to see him in hell so i decided against it.


the end. hahaha it soooo good releasing that way, rather than swallowing everything and let stupid people like him get away with their behavior. so, lesson of the day: stand up for yourself. don't let people step on you.






Wednesday, 27 May 2015

no one writes when they're happy


was bored at work this morning so i decided to listen to some songs on youtube

that's when i heard her sing.


her voice is so angelic, so soothing, 
all she has to do is stand on stage and sing 

and you won't want to say anything throughout 
nor would you have anything to say

but don't stop



Friday, 24 April 2015

comfortable silence



“At first we had so much to catch up on we were talking a hundred words a second, barely even listening to the ends of one another's sentences before moving onto the next. And there was laughing. Lots of laughing. Then the laughing stopped and there was this silence. What the hell was it?

It was like the world stopped turning in that instant. Like everyone around us had disappeared. Like everything at home was forgotten about. It was as if those few minutes on this world were created just for us and all we could do was look at each other. It was like he was seeing my face for the first time. He looked confused but kind of amused. Exactly how I felt. Because I was sitting on the grass with my best friend Alex, and that was my best friend Alex's face and nose and eyes and lips, but they seemed different. So I kissed him. I seized the moment and I kissed him,”


― Cecelia Ahern, Love, Rosie

Friday, 17 April 2015

i don't know if i can truly be happy

Sunday, 5 April 2015

idk anymore





idk anymore. i look at my life, i have so much to be thankful for but i'm sad, i'm crying, and i refuse to feel anything else. the death of my cat has taken it's toll on me. sometimes i think about it and i just go blank. my mind goes blank in denial of it all. i refuse to believe. and it's been over a month. 

i am so sad. i just want all my feelings to be taken away from me. i want to sing my heart out, but it's hard. can people accept the fact that you're sad 24/7? will they think i'm a freak? 

i don't want to be the one that brings down everyone's mood. can someone please take me back to the good old days? 

Wednesday, 4 March 2015

A Diary

Yesterday was the day I lost my cat, Hope. She was the closest thing to my heart. I'm writing my feelings down as the days go by, hopefully this will prove that time does heal.


Day 1 (the day it happened)
28/2/2015 Saturday 
Today we celebrate my parents' wedding anniversary. The party's at our place at night. It was a good day. I came home from a friend's house warming with Hope welcoming me at the door as usual. I let her out, and admired how beautiful my cat is. Her fur's a mix of grey and black, and she has the most beautiful yellow eyes, which shined brighter than usual under the sunlight. She's so chubby I feel like pulling her tight for a hug every time I see her. Her light blue collar just makes her even more cute to look at. 

I let her wander around the house compound. It was a great day and I didn't want her to feel confined to the house with no freedom. Everything was going great. Then it was 630pm, almost time for the party. I decided to go look for her so I can bring her in and get ready. 

I couldn't find her. Called her name but she was nowhere to be found. So I went back in and decided to get her after I'm ready. Halfway through my brother knocked on my door telling me my cat was outside of the house and they couldn't get her in. I told him to wait and that I'll get her when I'm ready. It didn't bother me much because she does go outside of the house but she never wanders on the street. 

The second time my brother came and knocked on my door, all he said was to come and see my cat. I didn't know what he meant then. I saw him grabbing a black plastic bag from his room and even asked why he needed that. I thought it was for the party. 

So I went down, smiling, and went outside, thinking that my cat would obediently come in once she sees that it's me. There were a lot of cars parked outside due to the party, and I could see my brothers standing by the road and looking at me worryingly. Honestly? I kinda knew then that something was wrong. I shrugged it off anyway. 

I walked over, and saw my cat lying on the ground. Her eyes wide open. Tongue slightly out of her mouth. She does that when she's scared. She looked so alive, I couldn't believe she was dead. I just couldn't! I stroke her and called her name, hoping against hope that I'd see her breathe, see her move. But she didn't. She just laid there. But I just couldn't accept it. 


Tears started pouring as I shouted her name again and again and again. Not much came out of my mouth. I was a mess. My baby, lying emotionless outside my house. And there was nothing I could do. 

I don't know how long I stood there crying. My dad came and told me to just leave her be. What's done is done and we can't do anything about it. I felt bad. It was their wedding anniversary party, but all I wanted to do was stay outside and hug my cat until she's alive again. At that moment, I knew exactly what I'd wish for if I was given 3 wishes. I want my cat alive, I want a miracle. But I don't have three wishes. 

Cars passed by, some even stopped to see what we were looking at. I wanted to swear at them, curse them for nosing. What does this have anything to do with you?! 

Then my mum came out, and gave me a hug. I can feel everyone looking at me with the most pity expression. Finally, dad said to put Hope into the black plastic bag. He wanted to throw her!! I insisted on burying her in the backyard and I am so grateful he said yes. I watched as my brother lifted my cat up and into the plastic bag. Her body, so lifeless. It made me accept that it really was happening. My cat is dead. I felt a part of me died with her. 

I hid in the bathroom when Fr Vincent was blessing the food and also reciting the wedding vows for my parents. I'm so sorry I couldn't grace them with my presence as I tear every second I think of my cat. The night went by in a blur. I was the lousiest daughter for missing out on the party that meant so much to my parents...

That same night, my brother brought me to the beach. I told him I needed to scream, let it all out. I thought I was going nuts, losing it because I could almost swear I hear Hope's bell every now and then when I was in my room. I went there but no sound came out. I couldn't scream. 

I realize I'm most sad when I'm at home, where me and Hope shared the most memories. 


Day 2
1/3/2015 Sunday 
My eyes swell from all the crying. I didn't play so well in mass today. I cried on the way to church when dad brought up Hope. I cried on the way home when an uncle brought up Hope.

We gave her a funeral service after mass. Dad dug up the grave. And I pet her one last time before it was goodbye, forever. I couldn't see Hope because she was inside the black plastic bag. But I could feel her through the plastic. Her body has hardened, and she was arched in the way she usually does when she's asleep at home. That made me feel slightly better, knowing that she's just resting. But that didn't stop the tears from falling. 

I slowly put Hope into the hole. Then dad started filling the hole. Before he did, he said a few words, something like you've been a really good girl and you will be missed. I can tell he was sad too, we were all so fond of Hope. Dad decorated Hope's memorial with stones and flowers. He made the stones shape like a cross. This made me feel so happy. I feel like we can see her again when we get to heaven! 

We can see the grave from the guest room. I cried a little less today. But when I was in the guest room staring at the grave, tears came again and I just sobbed and sobbed and sobbed. But I was happy for I know she loved playing in that garden. I hope she's happy with where we placed her. 

I listened to a friend's advice and went out tonight. She wanted me to have fun so I won't think so much. I felt better after all that crying and didn't even breakdown when I told her the story. I felt strong. It was a good night spent with friends. My eyes were blurry the whole night. They thought it was my contacts drying up, they didn't know it was because I've been crying the whole day.

the drive home was torturous. 

My mind wanders back to my daily routines. Long day out, come home, If Hope's outside, I would hear her bell and she'd come running to me and follow me into the house. If she's inside, then I would hear her bell followed by her meow behind the door. 

Now, it's just silence. 

I wandered around the house, and mistake my hair as Hope. I was shocked but oh how I wish she really came back. Is it weird that I still don't believe she's gone? I can still feel her with me. I sit on the couch and stare out, knowing she loves the view from that window 'cause she can see the birds clearly. On hot afternoons, she hides behind the couch and stares outside. 

I still miss her. Typing this makes me miss her even more. And the tears just won't stop. Why did you have to go so soon? You've had such a hard life before you came into mine, and I was planning on giving you many more years of pampered life. It makes me sad that I can't do that anymore. I hope you were happy under my care. 



Day 3
2/3/2015 Monday
I don't cry as easily as before. Not when I'm out and about. But I have to admit, things get extremely hard for me to cope with once I reach home. There's too many haunting memories. I love it and I hate it.

Hope's poop bucket is still beside the downstairs toilet. That was her corner. She also liked sitting beside the guest room window and stare out, drifting in her own world. Her food which spill a little on my bedroom floor is still as it is. I don't have the heart to clear it up. After work, I'd lie on the sofa and stare outside like she always does. I saw a bird this morning and it made me smile. I knew she would've loved it and would jump excitedly at the window. What else? There's just so many things about her that makes me love her. Listing them all out would be an impossible feat. I just really wish we had more years together. 

x

A thought has been eating away in my mind since day 1. Why? Why did this have to happen? Couldn't it have been avoided? Possibly. If only I had went out to get her the first time my brother called me to. Why did I take for granted that everything would be okay? It was a mistake, a grave one which cost me the one thing I couldn't afford losing. 

Days are bearable but nights are not. And what scares me most is knowing that someday in the distant future, I would be okay. How can I look myself in the mirror knowing I've moved on and stop mourning? How can you move on from someone's death? Answers. I need answers. I need to know why this had to happen. What is the reason behind it. ?


Day 5
4/3/2015 Wednesday
I still have not cleared up the spot in my room where i put all her stuff. her water, her food, her toys.. idk what to do. i cried in the office this morning after being scolded by my boss. sometimes i really want to be where she is. at least i'll have her by my side. 

now i'm on my laptop, opening up the folder with all her pictures. i'm so grateful i kept every picture i've taken of her over the years. i'm crying 'cause she's such a beautiful cat and because of me her life was cut short. i still can't believe this is true. maybe i'll wake up someday soon? 


Day 6
5/3/2015 Thursday
Sometimes I feel like I dread coming home. I can picture my cat everywhere. I imagine her behind the gate, or running to the door. I can even faintly hear her meow and her bell. But as soon as I start listening for it, it's gone..

Every time i open the front door, I still pause to hear that familiar meow. But it's no longer there. When I open the door, I naturally look down to check if she's behind the door. oh God, this is too much to bear. She's really gone, and she'll never be back.

That's too harsh a truth for me to handle.


Day 11
10/3/2015 Tuesday
pain gets more bearable as reality slowly seeps its way in.. i'm at a loss for words. I don't cry anymore, but i have to put on a smile every time people ask about my cat, because if i don't i know i'd breakdown and i honestly don't know how long it'll take for me to recollect myself in front of them. it's just something i do. i don't like to display my feelings for people to see. sure, i write them out, but outside? no. i guess i just want people to think i'm stronger than i really am.


but there are times when i want to just leave this world, and be with my cat
somewhere in paradise.


Day 12
11/3/2015 Wednesday
I visited Hope's grave today. the weather was glorious today, unlike the day before. windy, and not too hot. I hope you like the new flower I placed, my dear Hopey. I still miss you more than ever. Sometimes I wish you can talk to me, so I'd at least know how you felt about everything. were you happy? content?


will you ever forgive my carelessness?


Day 18
17/3/2015 Tuesday
i'm having thoughts of getting a new cat. i can't stand how empty this house feels without you here. everyday i find myself pushing back thoughts and memories that will trigger something inside me. it hurts.. i feel so powerless. for i can't bring you back to life no matter what i do. this sucks

i've resorted to accepting the two stray cats outside our house. i've lost you, might as well be nice to them. honestly. i tried loving the pregnant stray cat. i pet her, feed her, call out to her.

but she doesn't sound like you, she doesn't feel like you, she's just not you. my poor poor Hope. I miss you so goddamn much it hurts. I don't think i can ever love another cat as much as I loved you. screw getting a new cat when i can't even find it in me to love the one outside my house.

sigh. all i have are pictures. i'm transferring them to my laptop. hopefully I have enough to keep myself sane long enough.

how long does it take to get over something like this?



Day 19
18/3/2015 Wednesday 
Sweeping the floor, such a simple task that brings back great memories. I remember how you would play around everytime i sweep. Now everything is coming back to me. I haven't cried in days, I thought I forgot how to feel. Turns out I'm still human after all. 

Hope, I miss you so much. I miss how you're always playing and hiding from me, waiting to be found. I can't help but think of the day you left me. Were you waiting for me to find you? Were you hiding under the car waiting for me to get you??! I can't help but feel like you were. And I can only say, if only I were there sooner. Maybe things would've been different, maybe you'd still be by my side.

I read somewhere that it takes 21 days to break a habit. It was that post that inspired me to write this. But my 21 days are almost up. And quite frankly, I don't want to forget you, I don't want to break this habit of missing you everywhere I go, I don't want you to be gone. 😢


Day 30
29/3/2015 Sunday
the stray cat outside our home gave birth the day before. as I look at her and the babies, I can't help but think.. if only it were Hope giving birth.

I really want a new cat, something for me to love, a reason to stay home often. but no cat can ever be you. oh how I want you back by my side. i don't know what i'm trying to say. all the words in my head are now suddenly splattered, gone.


all I have are regrets. and pictures. and fading memories.
i want you back.


Day xxx
4/12/2016 Sunday
dropping by and read this post from the top. tears fell down my face naturally. has it been more than a year already? a few more months and it'll be two. time really does wait for no one..

i'm better now. i'm better now. :)






Saturday, 28 February 2015

forever will be our always


last picture of us together.



x

someone tell me how do I go on?
the most important thing keeping me sane is gone, and i don't know how to move forward.

i still remember lazing in bed with you this morning. how did everything become so messed up? how did I lose you, so soon..

my baby, i will love you forever. you will never be replaced.


the image of you lying lifeless on the ground is engraved in my mind. please don't ever leave me in memory. thank you for being with me, for making me feel better. you never failed to do so. you made me know how it feels to love


i'm sorry i let you out this afternoon. all i wanted was to give you freedom you deserved. i should've let you back in the house earlier. before my parents' guests started arriving which scared you. i should've been there to bring you back in the house. but i wasn't.

and you kept running, running, running away. just like you do when anyone else calls after you. i wish i was there to bring you back in. but i wasn't. i wasn't there.

maybe things would've been different if i took a little less time to get ready. why the fuck was i so stupid'

i wanted more years with you. 10 years at least. but all i got was a little more than a year. it will never be enough. i want you back. please come back. 

Tuesday, 20 January 2015

irredeemable

To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.


— C.S. Lewis, “The Four Loves” (via misswallflower)

Wednesday, 7 January 2015

welcome to new york

define adulthood? when exactly are you a legit adult?

i think one distinct sign you're turning 'adult', is when oil price starts to have an effect on you.

when we were young, we didn't have to worry about things like this. we needn't worry about details. everything is provided - food, shampoo, etc

but now? now that I'm officially an adult, I actually worry when fuel price rises. why? simple. because it burns a hole in my pocket every time i fill my car. it even makes me reluctant to travel, watching the fuel level drop. *ouch* it's just too much to bear, especially at the end of the month. (true story bruh)

okay anyways, I came back from holiday just recently and went to fill my car with fuel. to my surprise, the oil price is much cheaper! it went down while we were away. :O
i was happy at first, excited at my savings. i don't even mind travelling the extra mile now.

sadly like everything else, happiness is temporary. guess which adult isn't too please with the fuel price going down anymore? me. me me me

the drop in fuel price worldwide means drop in economy. which also means oil companies are losing money, which indirectly is saying that they won't spend so much. which leads to budget cuts, retrenchments, and adults (me) ranting pointlessly on their blogs as if it'll in any way help bring up the economy or the currency.

if you don't understand the crap i just wrote on my blog, then you're too young. you're probably still a teenager living life recklessly and spending your parents money on lame ass shit like Maple MOL points or Dota 2 stuff or branded shit, depends on what your preference is really.

you know what? do not stop. continue, be reckless, spend excessively (but don't cause your parents to go bankrupt lah of course BE SENSIBLE seriously), do stupid shit. because you're young!! do not ever try to be adult when you're still so young, you have the rest of your life to be adult and the worst part is there's no turning back.



i'm not saying that being an adult sucks, sure the freedom is good, the money is good, but there's just too much to worry about suddenly and i'm not so sure if i'm coping well lel

it's like i want to buy everything i (feel i) deserve, but at the same time i can't spend too recklessly as before because what if suddenly I need a huge sum of money for something?? I can't go running to my parents for allowance anymore, i'm earning my own money! to think i used to be so broke as a teenager. haha good times, good times.



so hello, adulthood.
i
am
in
you


and i intend to embrace you
                               (please embrace me back)