Kill Your Darlings

"He loved you. And the truth is, once, you loved him back.

But the secret ate away at you.

So in Chicago, you tried to kill yourself.

He rescued you

He saved your life

You needed him as much as he needed you.

Some things,

Once you've loved them,

become yours forever.

And if you try to let them go

they only circle back and return to you.

They become part of who you are

Or they destroy you."

"Be careful

You are not in Wonderland

I've heard the strange madness 

long growing in your soul

but you are fortunate in your ignorance, 

in your isolation.

You who have suffered

find where love hides

Give, share, lose

lest we die unbloomed." 

"Another lover hits the universe.

The circle is broken.

But with death comes rebirth.

And like all lovers and sad people,

I am a poet."

"He wants my help

and I don't know if I should give it to him.

I don't know if it's right.

It's just a mess.

- You let him go.

- What?

- Don't help him.

- I can't, Mom. He's my best friend.

- Listen to me.

The most important thing

your father ever did was fail me.

You understand?"

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x

watched Kill Your Darlings this morning, and I had very high expectations of the movie - mainly because my current love Dane deHaan (Harry Osborn from the Amazing Spiderman 2) is in it!!

I had a good excuse to be worried. Since the week began, I've been spending my time watching the movies I've downloaded in the past. Most of which were downloaded out of a certain fandom. and if you know me well, you'd know that these fandoms usually don't last very long (ha ha). So I end up downloading shit movies just because a particular person's in it. Let's just say out of the two movies I watched daily since Monday, one of them would be shitty. 

So I did research for this movie! and to my delight, it received good response from Rotten Tomatoes and IMDB! hehe a good sign ;) 

Then I watched the trailer. (I sound so pathetically hooked I'll look back few months from now and facepalm myself) and read a little bit of the synopsis. heck, I even googled what Beat Generation was! that's how much in love I was. I was so afraid I wouldn't enjoy the movie because I couldn't understand so I did everything possible to make sure everything would go right. haha!! I never knew I can be this dedicated. ngek

thankfully, the movie did not disappoint. I watched the movie twice!! hahaha to be fair I went about sweeping the house and just let the movie repeat LOL! but still, every time I walk pass my tv I would just stop and admire that beautiful face of Lucien Carr. yeap, that's Dane deHaan's character's name. sexy as fuck. I rarely say this, but seriously, Dane deHaan okay maybe I shan't go there.

have you ever loved a moment so much you wish it would last forever? that's how I feel about this movie. I wish I can remember every scene with him in it and how I felt seeing him on screen. but I know that with each passing minute I remember less and less, and it's actually making me sad. I want to stay in that moment.. forever. :( idk why I'm feeling like this. post-period-emotional-roller-coaster, perhaps?? or maybe, there's just something to that face. and that voice. and those eyes. did I mention that Dane deHaan's voice is so sexy, yet nerdy at the same time? and every time he raises his voice, it shakes and makes him sound like a whiny teenager? haha sigh. 

oh my gosh I sound so pathetic but I really need to rant. I hope one day I'll find someone close to Dane deHaan's sexyness and drown myself in being infatuated with him. fuck my fucking life lol. just fuck all these feelings zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz fuck T.T 

okay. pictures of the hottie. and to those who are going to watch the movie. please pay attention to the part where he brought Allen to a party, and to the exact moment when he said "Allen in Wonderland." 

I literally fucking died when he said that (okay not literally literally lol). but I cried at how sexy that voice was when he said it!!!!!!! I was like the shit I would do to have him say that in my ear. it would be damn easy for him to turn me on wtf just saying. URGH STOP THE FEELINGS PLEASE GO AWAY. OKAY BYE. ENDING WITH GORGEOUS PICS OF MY BABy. 

the lucky ones

shadows settle on the place that you left

our minds are troubled by the emptiness

destroy the middle, it's a waste of time

from the perfect start to the finish line

and if you're still breathing, you're the lucky ones

'cause most of us are heaving through corrupted lungs

setting fire to our insides for fun

collecting names of the lovers that went wrong

the lovers that went wrong

we are the reckless

we are the wild youth

chasing visions of our futures

one day we'll reveal the truth

that one will die before he gets there

and if you're still bleeding, you're the lucky ones

'cause most of our feelings, they are dead and they are gone

we're setting fire to our insides for fun

collecting pictures from the flood that wrecked our home

it was a flood that wrecked this..

and you caused it..

well i've lost it all, i'm just a silhoutte

a lifeless face that you'll soon forget

my eyes are damp from the words you left

ringing in my head, when you broke my chest

and if you're in love, then you are the lucky one

'cause most of us are bitter over someone

setting fire to our insides for fun

to distract our hearts from ever missing them

but i'm forever missing him

and you caused it

"Youth" - Daughter

x

x

sad words like these lift me up, somehow. it's not wrong to like sorrow, right? been spending the whole night listening to songs via youtube, one hour long videos of compilations of songs from various singers from a competition to be exact. it's almost 2am and I'm contemplating whether i should continue listening to my remaining tabs or just continue tomorrow. no wonder i have a big butt. i sit in front of my computer all day ~.~ !

you know what, i like small fonts too. it gives me security that no one would bother to read 'cause it's such a struggle, so I have the freedom to write whatever I want. however, it also makes the person who would read my tiny-font blog post til the end, seem much more sincere. :) 

"thanks for bothering :)" - a sincere thank you note from a girl who likes sad things and small fonts 

Graduation 2014!

yes, peeps, I'm officially graduated! 

but do not be fooled with these pictures, it was an awesome moment and memory shared with my family and friends, but to be honest, life seems to be at a stand still for me. *pouts

it's been half a year and i'm still rotting at home, struggling to survive.. 

but that's okay! 'cause I'm a graduate, lol just kidding. 

I just see people doing all this great stuff, travelling with friends after graduating, then landing a great job once they decide it's time to get back to reality. it's like they're living the life, the life. 

and I can't help but feel sorry for myself. 

I know, I know, I sound so pitiful it's a shame really.

 I should probably learn to be a little more grateful. but it's just so hard to be grateful given my situation - everyone around me is travelling the globe like it's the easiest thing in the world. is it, though? 

as for now, I'm holding on to my last hope. a way to stop myself from feeling all these nonsense, a way to better myself and hopefully, live the life I've always wanted. I just hope it realizes, else, I'd be back to square one, picking up the pieces of my broken dreams, and through tears, tell myself that it's all gonna be okay, I'm gonna make it big. I'm gonna make it big someday, someday. 

xx

okay, enough mopping around. I feel much better after typing all those. some pictures from my graduation ceremony a week ago :] 

selfie with the BFF. not just any BFF, my twitter BFF ever since foundation! haha :D 

oh and a really cute guy's silhouette photobombing us too.  

candid shot in front of the new library building. am really gonna miss being a university student, the memories and people in campus are definitely gonna make me go all nostalgic years from now. 

ah, the throwing-my-graduation-hat-while-still-maintaining-composure-and-smile pose. took us a few shots to nail it, but it was a fun process! hahaha :D

flowers from my parents

thanks for your unconditional love. though sometimes you are harsh to me, I will try my best to understand that it is in your best interest that you do the things you do. what parent doesn't want the best for their kid, right? :) 

with Katty

the elevator selfie :D 

Ah Wee! I've missed her so 

with Doreen, muh bitch xD

with Samuel. 

my pretty babes

:) 

that is all, signing off. 

to better days ahead. x