Looking for Alaska.

"but I lacked the courage and she had a boyfriend and I was gawky and she was gorgeous and I was hopelessly boring and she was endlessly fascinating."

it's beautiful how certain people are born with the gift to produce magic with their words. I always envy how easily they string words together, yet leave a deep mark in the readers hearts. i really hope my period's coming. cause I've gained weight, have weird emotional struggles with myself, and i've developed the constant need to eat! ugh. i say that i hope my period's coming because at least that way all this is justified, that i'm not just throwing a tantrum because I'm a spoilt brat who has to get what she wants. 


to say that the anger of today is without reason isn't exactly true. i've had my fair share of 'sad-for-no-apparent-reason-just-feel-like-being-sad' days, and today isn't one of them. i just feel under appreciated. i feel that i did quite well for my finals last sem, and all i wanted was a 'great job', or a pat on the back saying that i did well. but i got nothing. 


throughout the weekend it was all about my brothers, angry because they did something wrong and then pulling me into the 'blame list'. i'm sorry but what they do is up to them, i try and try but no one bothers listening to me. it was never my fault they decide to do what they do, they had a choice, yet they chose to do what they did. all i'm capable of is guiding them into the right path, and God knows I did. if you really think me saying him not to do this/that would stop him from doing it then you are wrong. no one give that much a damn about me, obviously. 


so i'm tired of constantly being put down. everyday use the same excuse to break the promises you made to me. i cried and cried and cried but nobody hears me but me. who am i to tell, who would understand how i feel? it's just so hard sometimes. you know, i slept the whole afternoon and it felt great, until i woke up and was reminded how much my life sucked, and i cried again. life was peaceful when I was asleep. why can't i just go to sleep forever?