i've forgotten how to...

 put my thoughts into words. 

i write poetry for...

 certain poetry is for the depressed

for those wanting to feel something, anything

to feel so many feelings at once

it suffocates them to the point of explosion, combustion

and finally,

nothingness.

i watched a movie last night, and it didn't make me feel what i wanted to feel

  ❝I feel like this week you're looking around going "How did you not notice I wasn't okay?" and unintentionally placing blame on your loved ones for not taking the time out of their day to see this themselves❞

i hate feeling this way

 "there goes my heart

manifest outside of my body
draped in the towering silhouette of a most unusually handsome boy

magical and haunted
kinetic and tortured
ethereal and dangerous
cosmic
lawless
eternal
creative genius

the journey will likely be perilous
but there is no destination without him"

-Megan Fox

thank you for this beautiful, beautiful poem, Megan Fox.

not sure what side of the bed I woke up today, but somehow I woke up feeling extremely sad and emotional. Like everything that I've been trying my best to suppress just comes gushing out, all at once.

I hate feeling this way, but I do miss it, somehow.
sometimes I think, "hmm... been a while since I felt the sadness, hasn't it? where's it gone to?"
then I tell myself I don't miss it, but secretly I wonder where that feeling went and whether I'll ever feel it again. Well, I guess it's never left, cause here it is again.

I hate feeling this way; like I'm not good enough and don't deserve anything. You ever felt that way? Like you want something so bad, but you tell yourself you're not gonna get it. Because that's life, and because you tell yourself you don't deserve good things long enough you start to believe it.

so what now? do I embrace this feeling, or do I suppress it like I always do?

I'm sorry, my dear blog, for only coming to you when I'm sad.
you deserve better.

Tokyo Ghoul

so i've been pretty into animes lately... something i used to go 'ugh can't relate' whenever someone mentions it. 😐 

anyways, there's just something about Tokyo Ghoul... it makes me feel things inside. i like what the author is trying to portray. maybe it reminds me of myself way back when i was posting sad quotes and shitnot from tumblr. that kinda vibe, that kinda feel. it stirs up something deep inside, y'know? even the protagonist's name sounds so cool - Ken Kaneki. he looks pretty darn cool too, especially the part when he... well, i don't wanna spoil it for you now. hahaha but it happens at the end of S1! and all of S2 too. i'm at S3 now and well, he sort of turned into someone else? someone more cheerful and idk it annoys me lol!! bring back broody, sad, angry Kaneki pls. -.- 

Tokyo Ghoul quotes dump: 

“In choosing both, you lose both.”

“It's better to be hurt than to hurt others. Nice people can be happy with just that.”

“The wisdom that sleeps
In the written word
Is overcome by a despair
That lurks within”

“You’re always unsteady, ready to slip at any moment. That’s why everybody can’t take their eyes off you.”

“Why is it that the beautiful things are more intertwined in death more that life?”

love their friendship 

你说把爱慢慢放下会走更远

"i'll be working on Christmas & NYE"

in other words, i miss you tonnes, dad. especially more today.. if you were still here you'd be the one hyping us all up in the car after church. you'll be singing Christmas songs, or mocking whatever the radio DJ is saying. then we'll probably stop by to get pork, or fish, and then we'll head home and you'll pull out the karaoke set and start singing away while drinking your liquor. 

life was beautiful back then, wasn't it? we didn't realize how easily it can all disappear, just like that, no warning, no sign. just poof, you're gone. no home karaoke performance from my singer/actor wannabee dad anymore. no hinting Christmas gifts anymore. no sudden bursts of anger in the car on the way to church anymore. no more complaints that i spend way too much time with friends anymore. 

my heart hurts. i'm listening to the saddest songs on YouTube while typing this, hoping to bleed out whatever sad emotions that are buried inside for too long and are starting to surface. no one needs to see this ugly, messy puddle of emotions that i am. Blessed Christmas everyone. Christmas just isn't the same without you here, dad. Will we ever be able to enjoy Christmas? 

no words

i know i shouldn't
but sometimes i think back at the events that happened before you left
everything just seemed like signs
pointing slowly
to the end

there were things you asked me to do
first was the xiaomi band which you told me stopped working
and tasked me to find a shop to fix it
then there was your sun glass lens which you asked me to help buy online
cause you found a good deal
which i nonchalantly shrugged off telling you it was just another fake website on facebook

next thing you know
the person who
all those things you procrastinated doing for
is gone
and you're left wondering
what if.. what if you did all those things
would things turn out any different?

i know i shouldn't
i really shouldn't
but sometimes i think back at the events that happened before you left
everything just seemed like signs
pointing slowly
to the end. 

nothing's

Diane: what's the point?
Bojack: of anti-depressants? i believe the point is to be anti-depressed.
Diane: sure. or, you just flip over the nothing and underneath there's more.... nothing. then you flip over that nothing, and there's more nothing underneath that. so you just keep flipping over nothing's, all your life, because you keep thinking under all that nothing there's got to be something. but all you find is nothing.

tristesse

hello sadness my old friend

this time it's different, unlike any kind of sadness i've ever felt. it's like i want to cry but can't. everything's like a roller coaster - sometimes i tell myself i need to be strong, that you're in a better place and everyone tells me you're so happy. i believe them. i believe you are in a better place, but every time my mind wanders, i feel this deep wave of sadness coursing through me.

i can't believe you're gone. i can't believe you're gone..

i won't deny there is anger inside of me. why? why you? why us? why now? just... why? 
sigh, things i will never have the answers to. just the thought of you not being with us anymore while we're here on earth makes me think, what even is the point of living? what am i doing here, i don't know my purpose anymore. i'm just not strong enough. i don't even know how to find the words to say what i want to say, everything's jumbled up, everything's a mess, i'm a mess. i want you back, is that asking for too much?

oh dad... if you're looking down at me, what are you thinking? when everyone tells us "your dad is always telling us how proud he is of you", i truly hope they mean it, and you meant it when you're oh so happily telling them about us. it sucks that now that you're gone, so suddenly, i can't help but think of all the things i should've done, could've done, but didn't. all the regret is sinking in and will probably live with me until i grow old enough to forget. there's just so many things i could've done better for you but didn't, and i don't know if i could ever live with myself for that.
we always think we have all the time in the world when we really don't. 

i love you, dad. with all my heart. and it tears me that you won't be with us anymore.

there's so much more i want to say, but can't find the words to. maybe one day i will. but for now, let me just drown in this sadness until i hopefully learn to float. \\\

la tristesse durera toujours  ❤

all the things i wish i could tell you,

but i kept it to myself.

truth behind our reasoning

Diane's monologue in Bojack Horseman S5E2 broke my heart:

.... reason number 10 you go to Vietnam - because you got to leave to come home. 

Mr Peanutbutter: Diane, I have something I need to tell you. I'm seeing someone, romantically, and it's not you. This probably isn't the best way to say it.  

but none of those reasons are why you actually went to Vietnam. The real reason you go to Vietnam, is because you accidentally see your soon-to-be ex-husband kiss someone else. At first you think, "Oh, it's a fling. Whatever, they're drunk, it's a party." But then he puts his hand at the small of her back, exactly the way he used to do to you. It means 'I've got you' and when he did it to you it made you feel safe. And you realize, he will never do that to you again.
And it breaks your heart again after your heart is so broken that you thought it could never get any more broken. You thought it was safe, but it still somehow finds a new way to break. Because even though you're the one who asked for this, now that you've got it you are completely adrift. With no compass, or map, or sense of where to go, or what to do. So you go to Vietnam.
You think you might find community, a connection to something bigger, but.. you don't. In fact, you feel even more alone than you were before you left. But.. you survive. You learn that you can survive being alone. 

Diane: I'm really happy for you, Mr Peanutbutter. 

this blog deserves an update

hey

call me by your name

"If you remember everything, I wanted to say, and if you are really like me, then before you leave tomorrow, or when you’re just ready to shut the door of the taxi and have already said goodbye to everyone else and there’s not a thing left to say in this life, then, just this once, turn to me, even in jest, or as an afterthought, which would have meant everything to me when we were together, and, as you did back then, look me in the face, hold my gaze, and call me by your name."

did some soul searching

the walk to work feels extra long and winding these days
maybe because i've been thinking a lot


is this what i really want? 
am i really happy working this job?

"it's all smoke and mirrors" - whispers a voice in my head. i shut it out. but ponder on it after awhile. 

everyone here is so empty, so hollow, so busy, so occupied. 
they barely have time for anything, working early hours to late nights. there's no time for family, no time for conversation. everything is work work work. and because of that, they're miserable. they're lonely. they're reduced to online dating apps, they sleep around to feel better about themselves... this is what i've gathered from being here for four months. 

four months. in this four months, i've felt the emptiness, probably the same emptiness they feel, maybe worse, maybe milder. i've met nice people who motivate me to be better than i am now, to work harder to prove the people who look down on me wrong. i've met people who taunt and say nasty things about me, but i have no choice but to sit still and take it all in because they're higher up than me in the workplace hierarchy. politics. i guess this is what they mean all along. 


in the end it all boils down to this:
i used to think this city is all i've ever wanted
but i've come to realize that it is nothing without my family here. i want to go back, i probably will, unless something changes and makes me want to stay. i'm conflicted, a part of me feels that i shouldn't go back, things will be the same again.

but then again, aren't things the same.. now?

how do you save what does not want to be saved ?

what is this empty feeling and why is it visiting me more often and stays longer these days?

undern e a t h

 hello, from the other side.

issa mixed feeling kinda night. i miss everything and i'm doing my best to suppress everything, to keep it all below surface.

i don't want to stay stagnant, but at the same time, being tough is kinda... well, tough. i want things to stay the same, but i can't have that without myself staying the same as well. y'know what i mean? i want to be better than i was yesterday but i can't do that if i don't change my surroundings.

which is why i'm here.
but why am i so so sad?

won't you ?

“I love you more than my own skin and even though you don’t love me the same way, you love me anyways, don’t you? And if you don’t, I’ll always have the hope that you do, and I’m satisfied with that. Love me a little. I adore you.”

you make flowers bloom in the saddest parts of me

you're like that limited edition makeup i laid eyes on and couldn't stop thinking about
but didn't save up enough to get you on launch day
so I convinced myself I didn't need you, you're just a want not a need
days go by
and then people started posting pictures of you, glorious, pretty,
everything I need, maybe?
but it was already too late, you were already out of stock.

maybe if I needed you that much I should've just taken the plunge and spent my savings on you,
maybe I should've just dived without thinking of the consequences
maybe if I had taken a chance I wouldn't be in this predicament

wondering, pondering, thinking
if I had just splurged, would I be happier now? or would you be just another makeup in my pile.

I wish that were true.
and when I say that, I mean that
I wish you were like makeup
so easy to obtain, so easy to have.
All I had to do was save up, and you're mine.

but you're not makeup
you're much more than that

maybe you're that limited edition makeup I laid eyes on and couldn't stop thinking about
so I cashed out all my savings and went to the store to make you mine
but by the time I arrived
you sold out.

2018

here we go again, another round of new year resolutions. gonna keep it super simple and reachable this time:

• spend less on makeup, invest in skincare instead 
• treat myself to facials, massages, salon hair treatments more often
• reduce credit card usage, especially on shopping 
• go jogging and hit the gym at least twice a week!
• be more confident 
• smile at strangers 
• let things go, especially things that aren't meant for me
• treat my family to dinner/lunch/or just snacks! more often 
• increase my savings! 
• stay in touch with friends instead of waiting for them to make the first move 
• pray more
• finish my puzzle
• complete the 45-day leg challenge 
• reduce cholesterol and uric acid levels!! 

i guess that's it. a few are really similar to last year's resolution. i don't think these are even resolutions, they're more like a reminder to myself to be better than what i am now. hehe 

it's a new year again, hopeful for bigger and greater things this year. 

blogging from my tumblr feed

 

indifferent.