call me by your name

"If you remember everything, I wanted to say, and if you are really like me, then before you leave tomorrow, or when you’re just ready to shut the door of the taxi and have already said goodbye to everyone else and there’s not a thing left to say in this life, then, just this once, turn to me, even in jest, or as an afterthought, which would have meant everything to me when we were together, and, as you did back then, look me in the face, hold my gaze, and call me by your name."

did some soul searching

the walk to work feels extra long and winding these days
maybe because i've been thinking a lot


is this what i really want? 
am i really happy working this job?

"it's all smoke and mirrors" - whispers a voice in my head. i shut it out. but ponder on it after awhile. 

everyone here is so empty, so hollow, so busy, so occupied. 
they barely have time for anything, working early hours to late nights. there's no time for family, no time for conversation. everything is work work work. and because of that, they're miserable. they're lonely. they're reduced to online dating apps, they sleep around to feel better about themselves... this is what i've gathered from being here for four months. 

four months. in this four months, i've felt the emptiness, probably the same emptiness they feel, maybe worse, maybe milder. i've met nice people who motivate me to be better than i am now, to work harder to prove the people who look down on me wrong. i've met people who taunt and say nasty things about me, but i have no choice but to sit still and take it all in because they're higher up than me in the workplace hierarchy. politics. i guess this is what they mean all along. 


in the end it all boils down to this:
i used to think this city is all i've ever wanted
but i've come to realize that it is nothing without my family here. i want to go back, i probably will, unless something changes and makes me want to stay. i'm conflicted, a part of me feels that i shouldn't go back, things will be the same again.

but then again, aren't things the same.. now?

how do you save what does not want to be saved ?

what is this empty feeling and why is it visiting me more often and stays longer these days?

undern e a t h

 hello, from the other side.

issa mixed feeling kinda night. i miss everything and i'm doing my best to suppress everything, to keep it all below surface.

i don't want to stay stagnant, but at the same time, being tough is kinda... well, tough. i want things to stay the same, but i can't have that without myself staying the same as well. y'know what i mean? i want to be better than i was yesterday but i can't do that if i don't change my surroundings.

which is why i'm here.
but why am i so so sad?

won't you ?

“I love you more than my own skin and even though you don’t love me the same way, you love me anyways, don’t you? And if you don’t, I’ll always have the hope that you do, and I’m satisfied with that. Love me a little. I adore you.”

you make flowers bloom in the saddest parts of me

you're like that limited edition makeup i laid eyes on and couldn't stop thinking about
but didn't save up enough to get you on launch day
so I convinced myself I didn't need you, you're just a want not a need
days go by
and then people started posting pictures of you, glorious, pretty,
everything I need, maybe?
but it was already too late, you were already out of stock.

maybe if I needed you that much I should've just taken the plunge and spent my savings on you,
maybe I should've just dived without thinking of the consequences
maybe if I had taken a chance I wouldn't be in this predicament

wondering, pondering, thinking
if I had just splurged, would I be happier now? or would you be just another makeup in my pile.

I wish that were true.
and when I say that, I mean that
I wish you were like makeup
so easy to obtain, so easy to have.
All I had to do was save up, and you're mine.

but you're not makeup
you're much more than that

maybe you're that limited edition makeup I laid eyes on and couldn't stop thinking about
so I cashed out all my savings and went to the store to make you mine
but by the time I arrived
you sold out.

2018

here we go again, another round of new year resolutions. gonna keep it super simple and reachable this time:

• spend less on makeup, invest in skincare instead 
• treat myself to facials, massages, salon hair treatments more often
• reduce credit card usage, especially on shopping 
• go jogging and hit the gym at least twice a week!
• be more confident 
• smile at strangers 
• let things go, especially things that aren't meant for me
• treat my family to dinner/lunch/or just snacks! more often 
• increase my savings! 
• stay in touch with friends instead of waiting for them to make the first move 
• pray more
• finish my puzzle
• complete the 45-day leg challenge 
• reduce cholesterol and uric acid levels!! 

i guess that's it. a few are really similar to last year's resolution. i don't think these are even resolutions, they're more like a reminder to myself to be better than what i am now. hehe 

it's a new year again, hopeful for bigger and greater things this year.