selfish

Asking you to carry me I stayed ignorant to your needs. Love wasn’t what I gave you it was weight: a heavy dose of sorrow and pain to blame for my mistakes. I wanted to be better, and some days I think maybe I was. My love was never for you; it was selfish. It was rushed. I wanted you to need me; I’m afraid I always will, but you’ve seen real love now. Selfish just won’t do. You’ve done better than outgrow me; you left me high and dry. You knew exactly what I needed to open up my eyes.

- Mariah Gordon-Dyke

saw this piece on facebook. it's so beautiful i just had to have it up on my blog. :)

v o i d

it's tearing me apart that nobody makes me feel anything anymore. since when did my heart stop skipping ?

i'm back to where i've tried and tried and tried to avoid. i'm exasperated. i can't do this anymore. no matter how happy i am, how much i try to focus on the good, i always come back to this.

this empty feeling like i can never be truly happy
this hollow in my heart like i can never be whole, that i can never belong because i'm not normal. who gets this sad this often?
this void inside that i can feel so strongly, like i can just reach out and grasp it.


i feel numb, numb of all the emotions swirling inside of me that i don't feel anything. does that even make sense? when everything inside of you goes haywire, bursting of sadness and anger and confusion and whatever emotion there is out there to feel, i don't know. i just stop feeling things. it's like everything is moving but i refuse to. i stand still, when everyone else is moving forward.

oh God.. this has got to stop. i have got to stop feeling so shitty about myself and start living my life. how many days of work am i behind?!

i can't keep up
i can't breathe
but instead of doing something about it, i find myself staring into the abyss, not giving a fuck about anything. just let me crash and burn, at least that'll make me feel something.
 

sigh

it's supposed to be a feel good day.
but just like that everything came crashing down. darn you pms

and when i'm unhappy.. i do the only thing i know - i buy stuff to fill the void.

archive

blogging from my twitter archive:

the way you were filled with passion talking about your aspirations. you were so sure of what you wanted in life, and how to get there.

and that stuck with me. somehow i just couldn't forget that look on your face. can I say I fell in love with your certainty?

maybe i just wanted to say that a part of me will always beat for you.

and that today's sunset made me think of you but I fought the urge to let you know.

Damn fucking mood swings

x

"We sat on the floor trying to fix each other, all the while knowing there was no way we could."

x

Next thing you know you're not yourself anymore and you don't know how you let that happen.

i stopped trying because i don't think i'm for you.

you are going to live for the way they breathe in the cold December air, watching as their chest rises and falls like your very heartbeat. you are going to live for the way their pupils dilate when they talk about something they are truly passionate about, when their cheeks flush from a compliment or the unexpected brush of your foot against their leg.