wanna know what someone lacks? see what they want in life.
someone who has all things material, craves attention. whereas those who has all the attention in the world, rely on material stuff to feel complete. we're all different, each of us. we have different reasons to get up in the morning. we find joy in different things, be it family, friends or whatever it is that drives us.
i used to be happy. if you ask me what i crave the most in life, my answer back when i was still in high school would most probably be "freedom". the reason is simple - because back then my parents were so strict, i was the one missing out on all the activities my friends had. which made me really really sad. but guess what, i was still happy.
if you asked me the same question when I was in university, my answer would probably be "money". watching my friends travelling to places around the world took its toll on me. I can never be truly happy for them 'cause deep down I felt miserable. I wanted to join them so badly. i wanted to be inside the pictures too. i wanted to take a breather and enjoy new sights and experience too! none of that ever happened, because it just was never meant to be, me and money, we were never fated.
so now, if you ask me that same question, i would probably take a while to come up with an answer. yes, i do still want freedom, but not as much as i'm not as restricted as i was before. I can go out late now, and am present for almost all of the gatherings. i do still want money, but dare not dream too much about it because i'm still no where near finding a job. I guess what i want most now, is recognition. i want people to believe in me, i want my family to trust that i can get things done. more importantly, i want to believe that i can get things done. but look at me, doubting myself time after time. i don't know who i am and what i can offer. all i see is a pile of emotional mess, who can't even look at herself straight in the eye and tell herself she is happy with what she's become. i am not happy, that is certain. i am not happy with how my life turned out. i am not happy that i am still unemployed. i am not happy that i can't believe in myself enough to take up the responsibilities that come with adulthood. i am not happy because i turned out to be so mediocre, not exceptionally good in anything, just floating in the middle. i am so angry with myself, at how scared i am at every little thing that makes me feel insecure. when was the last time i stepped out of my comfort zone? when was the last time i did something that made my family proud, and myself, proud? all i see are absurd expectations and commitment, and i am angry at myself because deep down, really deep down, i know that i am running away. that shitty part of me that is in denial that i am officially an adult is tearing my insides apart, and i don't know how much longer i can hold on..
