blah blah blah

39. You fucked me up, did you know that?

26. You told me to cut toxic people out of my life. I don’t want to cut you loose, but it seems like you’ve made that decision for me. I don’t see you anymore.

29. I don’t want you to ruin me.

11. I was perfectly fine with destroying myself in a way that eventually killed me, until you asked me to try and you fucking asked me to stop.

13. I’ve gotten bad again and I’m too scared to ask for help.

22. Maybe I hurt myself holding onto you.

38. I’ve never met anyone who could easily make me wanna die.


xxxxx


is it just me but i love the feeling i get when i read something as sad as this. i love how it tears deep into my being, i feel like something is clawing at my chest and sort of pictured my insides spilling out. but here i am, perfectly fine physically. nothing seems wrong, nothing out of place.

and i don't know what's wrong with me. because sad things, sadness, makes me so happy.

this may have inspired my next tattoo

i think everyone knows the saying "everything happens for a reason"

yep, it's true. the good, the bad, especially the bad, they all happen for a reason. 

recently something came up in my work, in short i made a mistake and it had me worried and stressed for days. i thought of all the worse case scenarios that can happen to me, and the more i think about it, the more i suffocated. how are you suppose to better the situation when you're subconsciously choking your own throat? you can't survive if don't allow yourself to breathe.. 

after a few days of being low, suddenly this serene feeling came over me. a thought entered my head - telling me that it will be okay. everything will pass, nothing is too hard to overcome, and nothing lasts forever. especially the bad things. :) this feeling soothed me a little, like, a small part of me believed everything will be alright in the end, but there's still a small part that's cautious because 'what if?'. 

and just yesterday, a lady from church asked me to play for their prayer meeting this Friday. honestly, i was very reluctant. i've always been. but somehow, after thinking about it and thinking of the situation i'm in, i thought to myself, "why not? might as well serve the Lord while i'm still alive." (i thought i was gonna be dead meat given the hot mess i got myself in at work) i replied her a little late and said, okay. 

to be really honest with you, i'm not a good Christian. sure i go to church every Sunday, sure i pray before meals (at home only), sure I play piano for mass, but you know what, i don't pray at night. i'm always so lazy to do so. and when i was in this mess, i thought of praying to save my ass, but i was too ashamed to do so. imagine, all those days when life was good not once did i turn to the Lord in prayer,.then now, when i'm in dipshit, i pray to Him for help?? the nerve, right? so yeah, i didn't pray to take away my problems. I got myself into this mess, so i had to get myself out. and there's also the fact that i realize i've been relying too much on my parents that i don't know how to make decisions for myself and that kinda sucks. which is part of the reason why i decided to save myself for once. 

what was the point of this post again?? hahaha i think i sort of strayed from the initial post i wanted to write. 

oh, right, everything happens for a reason. so what i'm trying to say is: maybe all these happened as a reminder that i can't survive on my own, it is one way or another God's way of calling me back to Him. I'd like to think that it was Him who sent the Holy Spirit to me and gave me that calm serenity i felt when I was drowning in woe. yes, that's a very nice thought. i'd like to believe it is. 

no more human, no less.

Find a beautiful piece of art. If you fall in love with Van Gogh or Matisse or John Oliver Killens, or if you fall love with the music of Coltrane, the music of Aretha Franklin, or the music of Chopin - find some beautiful art and admire it, and realize that that was created by human beings just like you, no more human, no less. - Maya Angelou

la tristesse durera toujours

la tristesse durera toujours - "the sadness will last forever" 

spent most of the day at work today surfing Reddit. there's this section called /nosleep where people post lots of creepy/sad stuff and i have to admit i quite enjoy reading the stuffs there. some days i'd find good ones, others just some really lame made up stuff. *rolls eyes* 

today was a good day i suppose, 'cause i opened a few tabs of titles that caught my attention, and amazingly most of them were good reads. :D so yea, i like reading these posts and feel all weird out and emotional after. cray cray right? hahaha 

oh, i also always google new words i see when reading so it's not all bad ey? 

just to share, these are one of the few reads i'd recommend:  

Just Deserts Bakery 

   which i later googled to find out 'just deserts' actually means "to get what you deserve (in this case, punishment)". gah, i love play with words like these. i mean, for a bakery it only makes sense to call it "Just Desserts Bakery" right? you'd get why it's called "Just Deserts Bakery" once you read it hehe. anyways, the comments are also very enjoyable. 

Bianca, the girl from Tinder

      this one was .. unexpected. not exactly the best, but i liked the twist. 

Some Comfort for the Disturbed

    ah, my favorite. there's just something to this story that makes you know it's real. imagine, wanting to take your own life and having an encounter that makes you rethink everything. so yes, suicide is never the answer. if you're depressed, sad, lost the will to live, read this, and understand that there are many out there who are suffering like you, who are going through the same feelings/struggles you do, and they do get better. it will end. one way or another. x

you were the one desire that i could never get a grip on; that i could never call my own, that will never be reality. 

desire is no gentle creature. it is a tide that drags it's victims further and further out to sea, that leaves you staring at a shore made of everything you've ever wanted. 

x

ending this post with a vain picture of ME. well it's been awhile since any of you saw my face, right? hehe. played with make up the other night, gonna try to be a little less lazy and put on lipstick and eyeliner more often!! i am not gonna stay young forever. can't forget to live a little. 

roses are red

I'll tell you something, Harpy," he said, his voice almost a whisper now. "It never even occurred to me that we wouldn't make it. And it never occurred to you that we would. You were just waiting for us to go down in flames. I thought we could get through anything. ―Kristan Higgins

亲爱的你别走

boo. yes, i'm alive. time for some long overdue writing. 

x

remember my previous post? i shared this really beautiful post about loving someone going through depression. at one part, the author mentioned his lover having days where she couldn't even get up from the floor. where she couldn't even go on with her day. 

i was puzzled at the time when i read it. was it possible to feel that big a wave of sadness? sure i feel sad occasionally but never til that extent. well, jinxed on me. i felt that suddenly just now when playing tennis. it just.. happened. 

i don't know how or where it came from, it just hit me. there i was, standing in the middle of the court, not wanting to do anything, but still standing there for the sake of pleasing my dad. (he gets really upset if we skip our weekend tennis games) my game was lousy. i tried and tried until i wanted to just throw my racket and drive home. but i didn't. i stayed, continued, as if nothing was bothering me. but it was there. it never left. that sad feeling inside of me. i swear i wasn't thinking about that post at the time but in my head all i could think of was wanting to go home and just collapse on my bedroom floor and cry. then my mind thought of the post i read, and i just paused and took in the feeling. so this was what the author's lover was going through. this was how she felt as she lie helplessly on the floor.  

honestly, she's really lucky to have found someone who stayed that long. how do you find someone who understands and is willing to be there for you despite knowing they can't do anything to make you feel better. isn't there any cure? something, anything to make the sadness go away?