i hate feeling this way

 "there goes my heart

manifest outside of my body
draped in the towering silhouette of a most unusually handsome boy

magical and haunted
kinetic and tortured
ethereal and dangerous
cosmic
lawless
eternal
creative genius

the journey will likely be perilous
but there is no destination without him"

-Megan Fox

thank you for this beautiful, beautiful poem, Megan Fox.

not sure what side of the bed I woke up today, but somehow I woke up feeling extremely sad and emotional. Like everything that I've been trying my best to suppress just comes gushing out, all at once.

I hate feeling this way, but I do miss it, somehow.
sometimes I think, "hmm... been a while since I felt the sadness, hasn't it? where's it gone to?"
then I tell myself I don't miss it, but secretly I wonder where that feeling went and whether I'll ever feel it again. Well, I guess it's never left, cause here it is again.

I hate feeling this way; like I'm not good enough and don't deserve anything. You ever felt that way? Like you want something so bad, but you tell yourself you're not gonna get it. Because that's life, and because you tell yourself you don't deserve good things long enough you start to believe it.

so what now? do I embrace this feeling, or do I suppress it like I always do?

I'm sorry, my dear blog, for only coming to you when I'm sad.
you deserve better.