你说把爱慢慢放下会走更远

"i'll be working on Christmas & NYE"

in other words, i miss you tonnes, dad. especially more today.. if you were still here you'd be the one hyping us all up in the car after church. you'll be singing Christmas songs, or mocking whatever the radio DJ is saying. then we'll probably stop by to get pork, or fish, and then we'll head home and you'll pull out the karaoke set and start singing away while drinking your liquor. 

life was beautiful back then, wasn't it? we didn't realize how easily it can all disappear, just like that, no warning, no sign. just poof, you're gone. no home karaoke performance from my singer/actor wannabee dad anymore. no hinting Christmas gifts anymore. no sudden bursts of anger in the car on the way to church anymore. no more complaints that i spend way too much time with friends anymore. 

my heart hurts. i'm listening to the saddest songs on YouTube while typing this, hoping to bleed out whatever sad emotions that are buried inside for too long and are starting to surface. no one needs to see this ugly, messy puddle of emotions that i am. Blessed Christmas everyone. Christmas just isn't the same without you here, dad. Will we ever be able to enjoy Christmas? 

no words

i know i shouldn't
but sometimes i think back at the events that happened before you left
everything just seemed like signs
pointing slowly
to the end

there were things you asked me to do
first was the xiaomi band which you told me stopped working
and tasked me to find a shop to fix it
then there was your sun glass lens which you asked me to help buy online
cause you found a good deal
which i nonchalantly shrugged off telling you it was just another fake website on facebook

next thing you know
the person who
all those things you procrastinated doing for
is gone
and you're left wondering
what if.. what if you did all those things
would things turn out any different?

i know i shouldn't
i really shouldn't
but sometimes i think back at the events that happened before you left
everything just seemed like signs
pointing slowly
to the end. 

nothing's

Diane: what's the point?
Bojack: of anti-depressants? i believe the point is to be anti-depressed.
Diane: sure. or, you just flip over the nothing and underneath there's more.... nothing. then you flip over that nothing, and there's more nothing underneath that. so you just keep flipping over nothing's, all your life, because you keep thinking under all that nothing there's got to be something. but all you find is nothing.

tristesse

hello sadness my old friend

this time it's different, unlike any kind of sadness i've ever felt. it's like i want to cry but can't. everything's like a roller coaster - sometimes i tell myself i need to be strong, that you're in a better place and everyone tells me you're so happy. i believe them. i believe you are in a better place, but every time my mind wanders, i feel this deep wave of sadness coursing through me.

i can't believe you're gone. i can't believe you're gone..

i won't deny there is anger inside of me. why? why you? why us? why now? just... why? 
sigh, things i will never have the answers to. just the thought of you not being with us anymore while we're here on earth makes me think, what even is the point of living? what am i doing here, i don't know my purpose anymore. i'm just not strong enough. i don't even know how to find the words to say what i want to say, everything's jumbled up, everything's a mess, i'm a mess. i want you back, is that asking for too much?

oh dad... if you're looking down at me, what are you thinking? when everyone tells us "your dad is always telling us how proud he is of you", i truly hope they mean it, and you meant it when you're oh so happily telling them about us. it sucks that now that you're gone, so suddenly, i can't help but think of all the things i should've done, could've done, but didn't. all the regret is sinking in and will probably live with me until i grow old enough to forget. there's just so many things i could've done better for you but didn't, and i don't know if i could ever live with myself for that.
we always think we have all the time in the world when we really don't. 

i love you, dad. with all my heart. and it tears me that you won't be with us anymore.

there's so much more i want to say, but can't find the words to. maybe one day i will. but for now, let me just drown in this sadness until i hopefully learn to float. \\\

la tristesse durera toujours  ❤