the walk to work feels extra long and winding these days
maybe because i've been thinking a lot
is this what i really want?
am i really happy working this job?
"it's all smoke and mirrors" - whispers a voice in my head. i shut it out. but ponder on it after awhile.
everyone here is so empty, so hollow, so busy, so occupied.
they barely have time for anything, working early hours to late nights. there's no time for family, no time for conversation. everything is work work work. and because of that, they're miserable. they're lonely. they're reduced to online dating apps, they sleep around to feel better about themselves... this is what i've gathered from being here for four months.
four months. in this four months, i've felt the emptiness, probably the same emptiness they feel, maybe worse, maybe milder. i've met nice people who motivate me to be better than i am now, to work harder to prove the people who look down on me wrong. i've met people who taunt and say nasty things about me, but i have no choice but to sit still and take it all in because they're higher up than me in the workplace hierarchy. politics. i guess this is what they mean all along.
in the end it all boils down to this:
i used to think this city is all i've ever wanted
but i've come to realize that it is nothing without my family here. i want to go back, i probably will, unless something changes and makes me want to stay. i'm conflicted, a part of me feels that i shouldn't go back, things will be the same again.
but then again, aren't things the same.. now?
