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what do you do when someone you treasure dearly, leaves? and you know they're never coming back.
it's easy to go on, it's easy to push these things to the back of your head and focus on what's in front of you. but what happens when a memory manages to seep its way to your head? you remember everything. you remember what you did, and how you felt at that moment. and you want to feel it again, but you can't, because that person is gone. right now, i'm experiencing this crazy roller coaster, where at one moment i tell myself i'm fine, she wants me to be happy, i will not cry anymore etc etc then reality hits me and i cry again. i don't think you ever get over the death of a love one. i haven't even truly gotten over the death of my cat. two friends. two friends, gone. 

if you don't know how it feels, let me try to explain it to you - when you're going about your normal day, you start off sad with the memory of their departure fresh in your head. then as the day goes on, you slowly allow yourself to be happy. you let go, bit by bit, and slowly you start laughing and using 'haha's in your texts. you can have a good laugh at a video someone posted. at some point during the day, you suddenly feel overwhelmed with emotions. you don't know where they came from, or how. suddenly, everything anyone says to you is magnified. you feel angry, sad, happy, all at once. you suddenly feel the need to express everything. then you remember your friend who's no longer there. you look at past pictures. a familiar face, but no longer present. then it hits you. it hits you like a wave. you cannot run, you can only allow it to overwhelm you, and hope you survive the drown. but how do you describe this sinking realization? it's like, an emptiness, slowly filling your being. if you do not know how empty feels like, then maybe you're the lucky one. for those who do, yes, imagine, that empty feeling, slowly, working it's way from your heart outwards. the only way to make it stop is to rip your heart out but you can't, so you let it rip you apart instead. 


so yes. i'm doing fine. just that at certain moments i am not. i really am not. and through all this, the only thing i can offer, is prayers for the family members. i'm merely a friend who drifted apart and already i'm feeling all this. i cannot imagine what they are feeling now. so that's what i'll do. i'll offer prayers in hopes that their pain will be bearable and that they will never lose hope. 

please know that life is still beautiful, perhaps a little less, but still worth living. 

so pretty :) 

you will be missed <3 

Bobby, 

i'm sorry i haven't been the best friend to you, i couldn't even find a nice pic of the two of us.

 you've been nothing but nice to me. 

you are always there for me whenever i need you. and i am so grateful for that. i still can't believe i lost you both. i broke down the moment i found out it was you. it was too much to be true. but i'm slowly coming to terms with this harsh reality, and i know you'd want us, all of us who love you, to be happy. that's how selfless you are. i'm sorry if i seldom show my appreciation towards you. i hope you always knew and i'm sorry if i ever took you for granted. 

lastly, i am awfully sorry i couldn't be there for your funeral. i owe you that much, but i didn't fulfill my last duty as a friend to you. i know if tables were turned and it was me, you'd do anything to see me one last time. selfless love. thank you, for spreading so much love among your friends and families. 

i can only hope we filled you with the same amount of love. 

:)