this may have inspired my next tattoo

i think everyone knows the saying "everything happens for a reason"

yep, it's true. the good, the bad, especially the bad, they all happen for a reason. 

recently something came up in my work, in short i made a mistake and it had me worried and stressed for days. i thought of all the worse case scenarios that can happen to me, and the more i think about it, the more i suffocated. how are you suppose to better the situation when you're subconsciously choking your own throat? you can't survive if don't allow yourself to breathe.. 

after a few days of being low, suddenly this serene feeling came over me. a thought entered my head - telling me that it will be okay. everything will pass, nothing is too hard to overcome, and nothing lasts forever. especially the bad things. :) this feeling soothed me a little, like, a small part of me believed everything will be alright in the end, but there's still a small part that's cautious because 'what if?'. 

and just yesterday, a lady from church asked me to play for their prayer meeting this Friday. honestly, i was very reluctant. i've always been. but somehow, after thinking about it and thinking of the situation i'm in, i thought to myself, "why not? might as well serve the Lord while i'm still alive." (i thought i was gonna be dead meat given the hot mess i got myself in at work) i replied her a little late and said, okay. 

to be really honest with you, i'm not a good Christian. sure i go to church every Sunday, sure i pray before meals (at home only), sure I play piano for mass, but you know what, i don't pray at night. i'm always so lazy to do so. and when i was in this mess, i thought of praying to save my ass, but i was too ashamed to do so. imagine, all those days when life was good not once did i turn to the Lord in prayer,.then now, when i'm in dipshit, i pray to Him for help?? the nerve, right? so yeah, i didn't pray to take away my problems. I got myself into this mess, so i had to get myself out. and there's also the fact that i realize i've been relying too much on my parents that i don't know how to make decisions for myself and that kinda sucks. which is part of the reason why i decided to save myself for once. 

what was the point of this post again?? hahaha i think i sort of strayed from the initial post i wanted to write. 

oh, right, everything happens for a reason. so what i'm trying to say is: maybe all these happened as a reminder that i can't survive on my own, it is one way or another God's way of calling me back to Him. I'd like to think that it was Him who sent the Holy Spirit to me and gave me that calm serenity i felt when I was drowning in woe. yes, that's a very nice thought. i'd like to believe it is. 

no more human, no less.

Find a beautiful piece of art. If you fall in love with Van Gogh or Matisse or John Oliver Killens, or if you fall love with the music of Coltrane, the music of Aretha Franklin, or the music of Chopin - find some beautiful art and admire it, and realize that that was created by human beings just like you, no more human, no less. - Maya Angelou

la tristesse durera toujours

la tristesse durera toujours - "the sadness will last forever" 

spent most of the day at work today surfing Reddit. there's this section called /nosleep where people post lots of creepy/sad stuff and i have to admit i quite enjoy reading the stuffs there. some days i'd find good ones, others just some really lame made up stuff. *rolls eyes* 

today was a good day i suppose, 'cause i opened a few tabs of titles that caught my attention, and amazingly most of them were good reads. :D so yea, i like reading these posts and feel all weird out and emotional after. cray cray right? hahaha 

oh, i also always google new words i see when reading so it's not all bad ey? 

just to share, these are one of the few reads i'd recommend:  

Just Deserts Bakery 

   which i later googled to find out 'just deserts' actually means "to get what you deserve (in this case, punishment)". gah, i love play with words like these. i mean, for a bakery it only makes sense to call it "Just Desserts Bakery" right? you'd get why it's called "Just Deserts Bakery" once you read it hehe. anyways, the comments are also very enjoyable. 

Bianca, the girl from Tinder

      this one was .. unexpected. not exactly the best, but i liked the twist. 

Some Comfort for the Disturbed

    ah, my favorite. there's just something to this story that makes you know it's real. imagine, wanting to take your own life and having an encounter that makes you rethink everything. so yes, suicide is never the answer. if you're depressed, sad, lost the will to live, read this, and understand that there are many out there who are suffering like you, who are going through the same feelings/struggles you do, and they do get better. it will end. one way or another. x

you were the one desire that i could never get a grip on; that i could never call my own, that will never be reality. 

desire is no gentle creature. it is a tide that drags it's victims further and further out to sea, that leaves you staring at a shore made of everything you've ever wanted. 

x

ending this post with a vain picture of ME. well it's been awhile since any of you saw my face, right? hehe. played with make up the other night, gonna try to be a little less lazy and put on lipstick and eyeliner more often!! i am not gonna stay young forever. can't forget to live a little. 

roses are red

I'll tell you something, Harpy," he said, his voice almost a whisper now. "It never even occurred to me that we wouldn't make it. And it never occurred to you that we would. You were just waiting for us to go down in flames. I thought we could get through anything. ―Kristan Higgins

亲爱的你别走

boo. yes, i'm alive. time for some long overdue writing. 

x

remember my previous post? i shared this really beautiful post about loving someone going through depression. at one part, the author mentioned his lover having days where she couldn't even get up from the floor. where she couldn't even go on with her day. 

i was puzzled at the time when i read it. was it possible to feel that big a wave of sadness? sure i feel sad occasionally but never til that extent. well, jinxed on me. i felt that suddenly just now when playing tennis. it just.. happened. 

i don't know how or where it came from, it just hit me. there i was, standing in the middle of the court, not wanting to do anything, but still standing there for the sake of pleasing my dad. (he gets really upset if we skip our weekend tennis games) my game was lousy. i tried and tried until i wanted to just throw my racket and drive home. but i didn't. i stayed, continued, as if nothing was bothering me. but it was there. it never left. that sad feeling inside of me. i swear i wasn't thinking about that post at the time but in my head all i could think of was wanting to go home and just collapse on my bedroom floor and cry. then my mind thought of the post i read, and i just paused and took in the feeling. so this was what the author's lover was going through. this was how she felt as she lie helplessly on the floor.  

honestly, she's really lucky to have found someone who stayed that long. how do you find someone who understands and is willing to be there for you despite knowing they can't do anything to make you feel better. isn't there any cure? something, anything to make the sadness go away? 

coffee would be nice

read this story on Reddit the other day.

it's about a guy falling for a girl who suffers depression. and how it didn't end well.


honestly, there's something about depression that hits me. i mean, i feel a certain way for people who go through depression. it's so different and complicated compared to normal sicknesses whose symptoms can be seen with the eyes. like if someone is having fever, we'd know, because s/he is showing all the symptoms. in the case of depression, however, we do not know nor see any symptom. how can you know what is going through someone's head/mind? i find it so mind-boggling how someone can be smiling on the outside but at the same time there is a part of them that is breaking. and no one except that person knows.


i also find it particularly sad that there is no cure to depression. you can't help a depressed person, you can't fix them. well fuck, then how on earth are you supposed to love them? are you willing to be there during the good days and the bad? what if the bad days become so long you barely see the good ones anymore? what if one day you just give up, because why the fuck can't you be enough to stop the waves of sadness. are you not enough?

so many questions, so much emotions, too little answers.



anyways, here are some of the lines from the post that touched me. i love sad stories like these so much. all credit goes to the author for writing and posting it up. if it's a real story, i really hope you get through this. x

x 

"You love me, don't you?" she suddenly said. "Like, I think it's a little obvious."
 "You could say that," I replied.
 "I have baggage," she whispered. I could hear her voice almost snapping in half. "I have a lot of baggage. Baggage you don't know about yet. I just wanna know if you're gonna be cool with that."
 I kissed her on her forehead. "I think I'll be okay, Gigi," I said. "I think I can handle it."

x

Love makes you do all sorts of crazy things - but one thing they don't tell you is that it makes you overestimate yourself. It's a bit like being drunk: you think you could maybe make that jump if you tried hard enough. You think that maybe nothing can break you. You think you could maybe be invincible. But you're not.

x 

It was the angry bouts of depression that hit me the most. She would go on for a whole day at times, slumped on the floor of her apartment, staring at the ceiling. Almost catatonic with dread. She would play sad songs and curl up on the corner - and she wouldn't reply when I tried to talk to her. I would try to ply her with sweets and flowers, but she would sit there with her knees bent against her chin, unable to move.The next day, she would be fine and smiling. She would try to apologize in many different ways - she'd buy me lunch, ply me with sex, be a little more affectionate than usual. It was almost like she was buying her apologies with favors.

x

She sobbed and sobbed, visible through the broken headlights, and I sat inside the car as I suddenly realized that she went to places where I couldn't reach her, couldn't help her at all.

x

There is an exhaustion that sets in when you're trying to pick somebody up from the ground. It's a kind of tiredness that makes you realize that caring has a cost. Making yourself responsible for someone's happiness has a cost.

x

But I tried. Maybe not my best, but I tried. She was fantastic when she was fine, but I sat with her for long nights when she wasn't. When she was her old self, we'd hang out and sometimes I could pretend that we were in that coffee shop again, bantering our way to get through the week. When she wasn't, I stayed awake with her, lying on the floor alongside her when the she was too terrified of the world to move.

Sometimes, I came to resent that.

And in a bout of selfishness on my side, I came to resent it more. The small part of me that was tired and sleepless grew and grew, like a tumor on my side.

And in a bout of crooked selfishness, I decided that I had to let go.

x

sigh. 

if wishes came true..

i wish you wouldn't be so hard on me

i wish there was something i could do to change your mind


i wish i could be happy



i wish things were easier




i wish i didn't have to feel half of the things i feel on certain days





i wish i was someone's everything






i wish i didn't care







i wish i was less broken








i wish people knew, my tattoos are reminders for myself. that they are a cry for help. that i only get them when i have so much sad in me i need the physical pain to distract. to put the pain in me to sleep.









i wish they knew, i am not attention seeking. when i post sad everything's, pictures of my tattoos, i am not being boastful about it. i wish they knew how uncomfortable they make me when they ask why i get my tattoos. why? i got it because i was in a state i pray you would never be in. i got it because i was so sad i wanted to hurt myself but i wanted that hurt to be beautiful. i wanted that hurt to leave a permanent mark. that's why i did it. but i would never tell you that.










i wish more people can understand that sadness isn't a choice. i've been good for days, weeks, but now it's back to haunt me. do you ever walk around with tears in your eyes, and you have no direction or the slightest clue of what to do with yourself, with your life. i wish i knew how to end it all. i wish this sadness never comes back. i wish i want happiness enough that i'll vow never to feel sad ever again. i wish i wanted happiness enough. because right now, if you asked me to give up on my sadness, i'd look you in the eye and tell you that.. i can't.