you treat all these roses like you're the queen

i just want you to know...

that deep down i'm a very unhappy person. i'm never content, i want more and i expect too much. most of the time, materialistically.


but every now and then i see these posts about people on their death beds and the last wish they have. it's always simple. they don't ask for a million dollars, because what would a million dollars mean when you know you're gonna die soon?

"Turns out that life's simplest pleasures just might be its most meaningful.
Maybe the things we remember at the end aren't the time we went skydiving or the time we hiked across Europe. When our time is up, maybe what we'll remember most is more mundane — the tacky wallpaper in the house we grew up in, a sunny day spent on the water, or those little everyday moments spent with the people we love the most."

- read the post here.

sometimes i think about the life i'm living, and i honestly can't grasp what makes me happy. i keep chasing all these material stuffs and it leaves me feeling emptier than when i began. it consumes me but it's so hard to quit. 

reading posts like these inspires me to drop everything and dedicate my life to something that will truly make me happy - helping people. 

you know the saying? 

"you have not lived today until you have done something for someone who can never repay you" 

i find it beautiful. there's a calm serenity knowing you've helped someone despite knowing upfront that they cannot return the favor. it's a way of saying i choose to help you and it's okay if you cannot repay me back, a simple thank you will do. 

i guess what i'm trying to say is.. i'm trying really hard to be happy - with who i am, what i am, and with the things i have done with my life so far. if one day you hear that i've gone off somewhere to dedicate my life to helping people, please be happy for me. it took me a lot of courage to leave. if one day i do find the courage to take that path, please be happy for me. at the same time, please pray that by doing so, i find true happiness. 

please pray with all your heart that i do not spend the day putting on a happy face, and end it with tears in my eyes because there is still an emptiness inside of me that i just do not know how to fill. 

i want a camera!

every once in awhile, i'd get the urge to get a camera. but every time i do, i just am not willing to fork up that much money to get a good camera. i mean, if you're going to get a camera, might as well get one that is good quality and worth the money right? #melologic #notreallymakinganysense #wantgoodbutkiamsiap


so the feeling is back. i really want a camera, but i'm far too cheap to spend RM2k on a good one. was looking into secondhand ones but a bit skeptical of the quality as well. what if i get it 50% cheaper than retail but it spoils a year later? LMAO. sad case.


but i really really want a camera because i keep daydreaming about my trip to Vietnam this coming June and it's driving me mad. thinking of all the things we're gonna do, sights we're gonna see!!!! and i'm lacking a good camera?? T_T (crying inside)


anyways, i thought of the perfect plan. why not persuade my dad to get it? *evil grin*
him and mum are going to London this July, they would need a good camera to capture all the gorgeous scenes too, right? right????? HE HE HE

me: you're going to Europe this coming July right? aren't you going to get a camera so you can capture all the sights?

dad: why? are you looking at cameras again? i have my phone to take pictures.

me: but... you're compromising the picture quality!!



HAHAHAHA. let's hope this message slowly sinks in, and he'll be tempted to get a camera. yaaasss.

with that said, what's a good camera? sleek looking, not too heavy, and takes decent, non-grainy pictures & videos.

familiarity

"you are worth so much more than a love affair with pain
   & not everything that hurts is poetry."

he was one of the rare who's presence i long and ache for..
he made my heart skip a beat; he made me feel passion, and pain.

where are you?
now all i feel is emptiness.

blah blah blah

39. You fucked me up, did you know that?

26. You told me to cut toxic people out of my life. I don’t want to cut you loose, but it seems like you’ve made that decision for me. I don’t see you anymore.

29. I don’t want you to ruin me.

11. I was perfectly fine with destroying myself in a way that eventually killed me, until you asked me to try and you fucking asked me to stop.

13. I’ve gotten bad again and I’m too scared to ask for help.

22. Maybe I hurt myself holding onto you.

38. I’ve never met anyone who could easily make me wanna die.


xxxxx


is it just me but i love the feeling i get when i read something as sad as this. i love how it tears deep into my being, i feel like something is clawing at my chest and sort of pictured my insides spilling out. but here i am, perfectly fine physically. nothing seems wrong, nothing out of place.

and i don't know what's wrong with me. because sad things, sadness, makes me so happy.

this may have inspired my next tattoo

i think everyone knows the saying "everything happens for a reason"

yep, it's true. the good, the bad, especially the bad, they all happen for a reason. 

recently something came up in my work, in short i made a mistake and it had me worried and stressed for days. i thought of all the worse case scenarios that can happen to me, and the more i think about it, the more i suffocated. how are you suppose to better the situation when you're subconsciously choking your own throat? you can't survive if don't allow yourself to breathe.. 

after a few days of being low, suddenly this serene feeling came over me. a thought entered my head - telling me that it will be okay. everything will pass, nothing is too hard to overcome, and nothing lasts forever. especially the bad things. :) this feeling soothed me a little, like, a small part of me believed everything will be alright in the end, but there's still a small part that's cautious because 'what if?'. 

and just yesterday, a lady from church asked me to play for their prayer meeting this Friday. honestly, i was very reluctant. i've always been. but somehow, after thinking about it and thinking of the situation i'm in, i thought to myself, "why not? might as well serve the Lord while i'm still alive." (i thought i was gonna be dead meat given the hot mess i got myself in at work) i replied her a little late and said, okay. 

to be really honest with you, i'm not a good Christian. sure i go to church every Sunday, sure i pray before meals (at home only), sure I play piano for mass, but you know what, i don't pray at night. i'm always so lazy to do so. and when i was in this mess, i thought of praying to save my ass, but i was too ashamed to do so. imagine, all those days when life was good not once did i turn to the Lord in prayer,.then now, when i'm in dipshit, i pray to Him for help?? the nerve, right? so yeah, i didn't pray to take away my problems. I got myself into this mess, so i had to get myself out. and there's also the fact that i realize i've been relying too much on my parents that i don't know how to make decisions for myself and that kinda sucks. which is part of the reason why i decided to save myself for once. 

what was the point of this post again?? hahaha i think i sort of strayed from the initial post i wanted to write. 

oh, right, everything happens for a reason. so what i'm trying to say is: maybe all these happened as a reminder that i can't survive on my own, it is one way or another God's way of calling me back to Him. I'd like to think that it was Him who sent the Holy Spirit to me and gave me that calm serenity i felt when I was drowning in woe. yes, that's a very nice thought. i'd like to believe it is.