you treat all these roses like you're the queen

i just want you to know...

that deep down i'm a very unhappy person. i'm never content, i want more and i expect too much. most of the time, materialistically.


but every now and then i see these posts about people on their death beds and the last wish they have. it's always simple. they don't ask for a million dollars, because what would a million dollars mean when you know you're gonna die soon?

"Turns out that life's simplest pleasures just might be its most meaningful.
Maybe the things we remember at the end aren't the time we went skydiving or the time we hiked across Europe. When our time is up, maybe what we'll remember most is more mundane — the tacky wallpaper in the house we grew up in, a sunny day spent on the water, or those little everyday moments spent with the people we love the most."

- read the post here.

sometimes i think about the life i'm living, and i honestly can't grasp what makes me happy. i keep chasing all these material stuffs and it leaves me feeling emptier than when i began. it consumes me but it's so hard to quit. 

reading posts like these inspires me to drop everything and dedicate my life to something that will truly make me happy - helping people. 

you know the saying? 

"you have not lived today until you have done something for someone who can never repay you" 

i find it beautiful. there's a calm serenity knowing you've helped someone despite knowing upfront that they cannot return the favor. it's a way of saying i choose to help you and it's okay if you cannot repay me back, a simple thank you will do. 

i guess what i'm trying to say is.. i'm trying really hard to be happy - with who i am, what i am, and with the things i have done with my life so far. if one day you hear that i've gone off somewhere to dedicate my life to helping people, please be happy for me. it took me a lot of courage to leave. if one day i do find the courage to take that path, please be happy for me. at the same time, please pray that by doing so, i find true happiness. 

please pray with all your heart that i do not spend the day putting on a happy face, and end it with tears in my eyes because there is still an emptiness inside of me that i just do not know how to fill.