tristesse

hello sadness my old friend

this time it's different, unlike any kind of sadness i've ever felt. it's like i want to cry but can't. everything's like a roller coaster - sometimes i tell myself i need to be strong, that you're in a better place and everyone tells me you're so happy. i believe them. i believe you are in a better place, but every time my mind wanders, i feel this deep wave of sadness coursing through me.

i can't believe you're gone. i can't believe you're gone..

i won't deny there is anger inside of me. why? why you? why us? why now? just... why? 
sigh, things i will never have the answers to. just the thought of you not being with us anymore while we're here on earth makes me think, what even is the point of living? what am i doing here, i don't know my purpose anymore. i'm just not strong enough. i don't even know how to find the words to say what i want to say, everything's jumbled up, everything's a mess, i'm a mess. i want you back, is that asking for too much?

oh dad... if you're looking down at me, what are you thinking? when everyone tells us "your dad is always telling us how proud he is of you", i truly hope they mean it, and you meant it when you're oh so happily telling them about us. it sucks that now that you're gone, so suddenly, i can't help but think of all the things i should've done, could've done, but didn't. all the regret is sinking in and will probably live with me until i grow old enough to forget. there's just so many things i could've done better for you but didn't, and i don't know if i could ever live with myself for that.
we always think we have all the time in the world when we really don't. 

i love you, dad. with all my heart. and it tears me that you won't be with us anymore.

there's so much more i want to say, but can't find the words to. maybe one day i will. but for now, let me just drown in this sadness until i hopefully learn to float. \\\

la tristesse durera toujours  ❤