DO YOUR WORST

saw this on tumblr and decided to give it a go x 

DO YOUR WORST

• 1:Could you go the rest of your life without smoking a cigarette?
• it wouldn't be much of a hassle really
• 2:Are you single/taken/heartbroken/confused?
• single bahaha
• 3:What if I told you that you were pretty?
• I'd say "thank you. I get that all the time"
• 4:Ever been told “it’s not you, it’s me”?
• nope
• 5:Are you interested in anyone right now?
• probably, maybe? i prefer if the feelings part don't come in though. 'cause feelings are messy and lead to expectations and all that shit. it's just messed up
• 6:What are you looking forward to in the next week?
• hmm. getting my shit together? haha. it's a dear friend's birthday and also probably an answer for something i've been waiting for months!
• 7:Do you want to be single?
• i am single
• 8:Did you go out or stay in last night?
• I stayed in. 
• 9:How late did you stay up last night?
• watched "For a Good Time, Call.." last night til 230am xD
• 10:Can you recall the last time you realized you liked someone a lot?
• hahahahahaha. i'd much rather not. 
• 11:Last three things you had to drink?
• water, lime juice, water
• 12:Have you pretended to like someone?
• no haha. why would anyone pretend to like anyone?
• 13:Have you ever told somebody you loved them and not actually meant it?
• noooooo
• 14:Honestly, has anyone seen you in your underwear in the past 3 months?
• HAHA ERM. I DO NOT THINK SO
• 15:Is it hard for you to get over someone?
• depends. if there are many hot guys around for me to drool over, then yes I can get over that someone. However, leave me at home alone with my thoughts and i'll stay hung up forever!
• 16:Think back five months ago, were you single?
• yes
• 17:What were you doing at 12:30 this afternoon?
• probably watching a movie. or warming up lunch for my brother
• 18:Hold hands with anyone this week?
• does my cat count?
• 19:Could you go for the rest of your life without drinking alcohol?
• hahhaa peer pressure buddy, peer pressure.
• 20:What would you name your future daughter?
• uhm. it used to be Gabriella, but I'm not so fond of the name anymore. maybe Victoria. it sounds like a nice name haha
• 21:Do you miss anyone?
• no
• 22:Have you kissed three or more people in one night?
• haha! no. it's funnny cause i know someone who did.
• 23:Did your last kiss take place in/on a bed?
• nope
• 24:Are you good at hiding your feelings?
• I think so. 
• 25:Have you ever cried from being so mad?
• yes I have. countless times in the past 
• 26:Who did you last see in person?
• Doreen muh bitch
• 27:Are you listening to music right now?
• no ahaha. just me and my brain thinking
• 28:What is something you currently want right now?
• money?? hahahaha or maybe an iPad. oh wait, a job!!! 
• 29:What is the last thing you said out lot?
• ??
• 30:How is your heart lately?
• haha it's fine. thanks for asking
• 31:Do you wear the hood on your hoodie?
• yea, if i owned one
• 32:Are you wearing socks?
• nope
• 33:What do people call you?
• they call me melo :) 
• 34:Will you talk to the person you like tonight?
• haha nope
• 35:Are there any stressful situations in your life?
• kinda. I'm bummed that most of my friends are working now. leaving me alone in life of unemployment :( 
• 36:Who did you last share a bed with?
• my cat
• 37:Did you do something bad today?
• nope. I'm a good girl. except maybe the part where I stared at the hot guy's hot bod just now at the park. in my defense, it was him who decided to go shirtless in a public park!
• 38:When was the last time a member of the opposite sex hugged you?
• erm, does a half hug count? if not then it was probably valentines. 
• 39:Do you get stressed out easily?
• nope. I'm a chill person
• 40:Will you sing today?
• haha nahhh. it's late
• 41:Have you ever wanted to tell someone something but didn’t?
• a lot of times actually. like when your friend has food stuck in her teeth, I DO NOT FREAKIN KNOW HOW TO BREAK THE NEWS TO HER. or how bout if you did something not so good, how are you supposed to tell your parents?? hahaha
• 42:Who do you go to when you need to talk to someone?
• tbh, i rarely talk about my feelings so yea. but for other matters, i do have specific friends that I turn to. it depends on who i think would relate to what i want to talk about
• 43:Have you ever been taken to the emergency room in an ambulance?
• noppeee
• 44:What are you listening to right now?
• the sound of my cat chasing her collar around my room? hahaha
• 45:What is wrong with you right now?
• i'm poor
• 46:What is on your wrists right now?
• my new tattoo? MUAHAHA
• 47:Where did you get the shirt/sweatshirt you’re wea
• i got it from Philippines. 
• 48:What do you like better: hot chocolate or hot apple cider?
• hot choc
• 49:Do you make wishes at 11:11?
• haha yes I Do. 
• 50:Are you a good artist?
• I wish!! 
• 51:Love really is a beautiful thing huh?
• uhm, I guess so. If not for love, where would we be huh 
• 52:Do you miss the way things were six months ago?
• hmmm I guess so. but I'm hoping the future leads me to more exciting adventures :) 
• 53:Ever been on a golf cart?
• sadly no
• 54:Do you have trust issues?
• hahaha no idea. i don't think so
• 55:Ever stayed up all night on the phone, with who?
• those were the days
• 56:Do you own something from Hot Topic?
• nope
• 57:Do you use chap stick?
• nope
• 58:Have you ever slapped someone in the face?
• no haha
• 59:Do you have a little sister?
• nope
• 60:Have you ever been to New York?
• nope :C 
• 61:Think of the last person who said I love you, do you think they meant it?
• errr of course they meant it! hahah
• 62:Have you hugged someone within the last week?
• not sure but i think not
• 63:What were you doing at midnight last night?
• watching a movie. we've gone through this!
• 64:Have you ever regretted kissing someone?
• nope
• 65:Is there one person in your life that can always make you smile?
• yes :) 
• 
  

Kill Your Darlings

"He loved you. And the truth is, once, you loved him back.

But the secret ate away at you.

So in Chicago, you tried to kill yourself.

He rescued you

He saved your life

You needed him as much as he needed you.

Some things,

Once you've loved them,

become yours forever.

And if you try to let them go

they only circle back and return to you.

They become part of who you are

Or they destroy you."

"Be careful

You are not in Wonderland

I've heard the strange madness 

long growing in your soul

but you are fortunate in your ignorance, 

in your isolation.

You who have suffered

find where love hides

Give, share, lose

lest we die unbloomed." 

"Another lover hits the universe.

The circle is broken.

But with death comes rebirth.

And like all lovers and sad people,

I am a poet."

"He wants my help

and I don't know if I should give it to him.

I don't know if it's right.

It's just a mess.

- You let him go.

- What?

- Don't help him.

- I can't, Mom. He's my best friend.

- Listen to me.

The most important thing

your father ever did was fail me.

You understand?"

                                                                                                          link

x

watched Kill Your Darlings this morning, and I had very high expectations of the movie - mainly because my current love Dane deHaan (Harry Osborn from the Amazing Spiderman 2) is in it!!

I had a good excuse to be worried. Since the week began, I've been spending my time watching the movies I've downloaded in the past. Most of which were downloaded out of a certain fandom. and if you know me well, you'd know that these fandoms usually don't last very long (ha ha). So I end up downloading shit movies just because a particular person's in it. Let's just say out of the two movies I watched daily since Monday, one of them would be shitty. 

So I did research for this movie! and to my delight, it received good response from Rotten Tomatoes and IMDB! hehe a good sign ;) 

Then I watched the trailer. (I sound so pathetically hooked I'll look back few months from now and facepalm myself) and read a little bit of the synopsis. heck, I even googled what Beat Generation was! that's how much in love I was. I was so afraid I wouldn't enjoy the movie because I couldn't understand so I did everything possible to make sure everything would go right. haha!! I never knew I can be this dedicated. ngek

thankfully, the movie did not disappoint. I watched the movie twice!! hahaha to be fair I went about sweeping the house and just let the movie repeat LOL! but still, every time I walk pass my tv I would just stop and admire that beautiful face of Lucien Carr. yeap, that's Dane deHaan's character's name. sexy as fuck. I rarely say this, but seriously, Dane deHaan okay maybe I shan't go there.

have you ever loved a moment so much you wish it would last forever? that's how I feel about this movie. I wish I can remember every scene with him in it and how I felt seeing him on screen. but I know that with each passing minute I remember less and less, and it's actually making me sad. I want to stay in that moment.. forever. :( idk why I'm feeling like this. post-period-emotional-roller-coaster, perhaps?? or maybe, there's just something to that face. and that voice. and those eyes. did I mention that Dane deHaan's voice is so sexy, yet nerdy at the same time? and every time he raises his voice, it shakes and makes him sound like a whiny teenager? haha sigh. 

oh my gosh I sound so pathetic but I really need to rant. I hope one day I'll find someone close to Dane deHaan's sexyness and drown myself in being infatuated with him. fuck my fucking life lol. just fuck all these feelings zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz fuck T.T 

okay. pictures of the hottie. and to those who are going to watch the movie. please pay attention to the part where he brought Allen to a party, and to the exact moment when he said "Allen in Wonderland." 

I literally fucking died when he said that (okay not literally literally lol). but I cried at how sexy that voice was when he said it!!!!!!! I was like the shit I would do to have him say that in my ear. it would be damn easy for him to turn me on wtf just saying. URGH STOP THE FEELINGS PLEASE GO AWAY. OKAY BYE. ENDING WITH GORGEOUS PICS OF MY BABy. 

the lucky ones

shadows settle on the place that you left

our minds are troubled by the emptiness

destroy the middle, it's a waste of time

from the perfect start to the finish line

and if you're still breathing, you're the lucky ones

'cause most of us are heaving through corrupted lungs

setting fire to our insides for fun

collecting names of the lovers that went wrong

the lovers that went wrong

we are the reckless

we are the wild youth

chasing visions of our futures

one day we'll reveal the truth

that one will die before he gets there

and if you're still bleeding, you're the lucky ones

'cause most of our feelings, they are dead and they are gone

we're setting fire to our insides for fun

collecting pictures from the flood that wrecked our home

it was a flood that wrecked this..

and you caused it..

well i've lost it all, i'm just a silhoutte

a lifeless face that you'll soon forget

my eyes are damp from the words you left

ringing in my head, when you broke my chest

and if you're in love, then you are the lucky one

'cause most of us are bitter over someone

setting fire to our insides for fun

to distract our hearts from ever missing them

but i'm forever missing him

and you caused it

"Youth" - Daughter

x

x

sad words like these lift me up, somehow. it's not wrong to like sorrow, right? been spending the whole night listening to songs via youtube, one hour long videos of compilations of songs from various singers from a competition to be exact. it's almost 2am and I'm contemplating whether i should continue listening to my remaining tabs or just continue tomorrow. no wonder i have a big butt. i sit in front of my computer all day ~.~ !

you know what, i like small fonts too. it gives me security that no one would bother to read 'cause it's such a struggle, so I have the freedom to write whatever I want. however, it also makes the person who would read my tiny-font blog post til the end, seem much more sincere. :) 

"thanks for bothering :)" - a sincere thank you note from a girl who likes sad things and small fonts 

Graduation 2014!

yes, peeps, I'm officially graduated! 

but do not be fooled with these pictures, it was an awesome moment and memory shared with my family and friends, but to be honest, life seems to be at a stand still for me. *pouts

it's been half a year and i'm still rotting at home, struggling to survive.. 

but that's okay! 'cause I'm a graduate, lol just kidding. 

I just see people doing all this great stuff, travelling with friends after graduating, then landing a great job once they decide it's time to get back to reality. it's like they're living the life, the life. 

and I can't help but feel sorry for myself. 

I know, I know, I sound so pitiful it's a shame really.

 I should probably learn to be a little more grateful. but it's just so hard to be grateful given my situation - everyone around me is travelling the globe like it's the easiest thing in the world. is it, though? 

as for now, I'm holding on to my last hope. a way to stop myself from feeling all these nonsense, a way to better myself and hopefully, live the life I've always wanted. I just hope it realizes, else, I'd be back to square one, picking up the pieces of my broken dreams, and through tears, tell myself that it's all gonna be okay, I'm gonna make it big. I'm gonna make it big someday, someday. 

xx

okay, enough mopping around. I feel much better after typing all those. some pictures from my graduation ceremony a week ago :] 

selfie with the BFF. not just any BFF, my twitter BFF ever since foundation! haha :D 

oh and a really cute guy's silhouette photobombing us too.  

candid shot in front of the new library building. am really gonna miss being a university student, the memories and people in campus are definitely gonna make me go all nostalgic years from now. 

ah, the throwing-my-graduation-hat-while-still-maintaining-composure-and-smile pose. took us a few shots to nail it, but it was a fun process! hahaha :D

flowers from my parents

thanks for your unconditional love. though sometimes you are harsh to me, I will try my best to understand that it is in your best interest that you do the things you do. what parent doesn't want the best for their kid, right? :) 

with Katty

the elevator selfie :D 

Ah Wee! I've missed her so 

with Doreen, muh bitch xD

with Samuel. 

my pretty babes

:) 

that is all, signing off. 

to better days ahead. x

TFiOS

*if you haven't read the book this post might contain some spoilers oops*

finished John Green's very famous book - The Fault in Our Stars last night. and oh my, did I cry. 

I wept so hard I felt my heart throbbing inside of me. 

anyways, it was a lovely book. so beautiful, and so so sad. when I started reading I knew someone was going to die, mainly 'cause I read Looking for Alaska (also by John Green) before this. and boy did I have the shock of my life when I found out *spoiler* the narrator (Pudge) was actually counting down to his friend (Alaska's) death. I teared really badly when I read that book too 

well I thought Hazel was the obvious one who was going to die, giving her circumstances and all. she was just fighting for more time, her cancer couldn't be cured. Augustus on the other hand... was healthy and cancer free when they met. I was hopeful, I was ready, knowing that their love will not last until forever. (but how long is forever, anyways?) 

I prepared myself when I started reading to stay strong and be ready for her death as it is inevitable, no one lives forever. then she met Augustus Waters, and the way he was with her, it was almost as if I can feel his love for her just by reading the book. it wasn't unrealistic, it wasn't the most romantic love story known to mankind. but it was real. 

the book is great because somehow I feel like I was with them, on their journey battling cancer, and watching them fall in love. halfway reading, I was already in love with Augustus Waters. I love how positive he is, and his love for metaphors was charming. I loved even more how at the end of his life *spoiler* he remained the same positivity, not wanting anyone to know how painful it really is. it broke my heart just reading about him during his dying days. (how am I going to survive the movie?? I know I'm gonna cry real hard at the point when he starts losing weight. i just know it!!)

I am in love with this book because of their magnificent love story. How much Gus loved Hazel marvels me, is there still love this great in this world? are we capable of loving someone as much as Augustus Waters loves (present tense) Hazel Grace Lancester?? 

i doubt it. 

and that's why i love this book

x

now for parts of the book i cannot and will not ever get over:

and only now that I loved a grenade did I understand the foolishness of trying to save others from my own impending fragmentation: I couldn't unlove Augustus Waters. And I didn't want to.

"I'm in love with you, and I'm not in the business of denying myself the simple pleasure of saying true things. I'm in love with you, and I know that love is just a shout into the void, and that oblivion is inevitable, and that we're all doomed and that there will come a day when all our labor has been returned to dust, and I know the sun will swallow the only earth we'll ever have, and I am in love with you."

"You know what I believe? I remember in college I was taking this math class, this really great math class taught by this tiny old woman. She was talking about fast Fourier transforms and she stopped midsentence and said, 'Sometimes it seems the universe wants to be noticed.'

"That's what I believe. I believe the universe wants to be noticed. I think the universe is improbably biased toward consciousness, that it rewards intelligence in part because the universe enjoys its elegance being observed. And who am I, living in the middle of history, to tell the universe that it - or my observation of it - is temporary?"

"I can't talk about our love story, so I will talk about math. I am not a mathematician, but I know this: There are infinite numbers between 0 and 1. There's .1 and .12 and .112 and an infinity collection of others. Of course, there is a bigger infinite set of numbers between 0 and 2, or between 0 and a million. Some infinities are bigger than other infinities. A writer we used to like taught us that. There are days, many of them, when I resent the size of my unbounded set. I want more numbers than I'm likely to get, and God, I want more numbers for Augustus Waters than he got. But, Gus, my love, I cannot tell you how thankful I am for our little infinity. I wouldn't trade it for the world. You gave me a forever within the numbered days, and I'm grateful." 

and last but not least, the letter Gus wrote to Van Houten just before he passed:

*spoiler**spoiler**spoiler**spoiler*

Van Houten,
I'm a good person but a shitty writer. You're a shitty person but a good writer. We'd make a good team. I don't want to ask you any favors, but if you have time - and from what I saw, you have plenty - I was wondering if you could write a eulogy for Hazel. I've got notes and everything, but if you could just make it into a coherent whole or whatever? Or even just tell me what I should say differently.

Here's the thing about Hazel: Almost everyone is obsessed with leaving a mark upon the world. Bequeathing a legacy. Outlasting death. We all want to be remembered. I do, too. That's what bothers me most, is being another unremembered casualty in the ancient and inglorious war against disease. 

I want to leave a mark.

But Van Houten: The marks human leave are too often scars. You build a hideous minimall or start a coup or try to become a rock star and you think, "They'll remember me now," but (a) they don't remember you, and (b) all you leave behind are more scars. Your coup becomes a dictatorship. Your minimall becomes a lesion.

(Okay, maybe I'm not such a shitty writer. But I can't pull my ideas together, Van Houten. My thoughts are stars I can't fathom into constellations.)

We are like a bunch of dogs squirting on fire hydrants. We poison the groundwater with our toxic piss, marking everything MINE in a ridiculous attempt to survive our deaths. I can't stop pissing on fire hydrants. I know it's silly and useless - epically useless in my current state - but I am an animal like any other.

Hazel is different. She walks lightly, old man. She walks lightly upon the earth. Hazel knows the truth: We're as likely to hurt the universe as we are to help it, and we're not likely to do either.
People will say it's sad that she leaves a lesser scar, that fewer remember her, that she was loved deeply but not widely. But it's not sad, Van Houten. It's triumphant. It's heroic. Isn't that the real heroism? Like the doctors say: First, do no harm.

The real heroes anyway aren't the people doing things; the real heroes are the people NOTICING things, paying attention. The guy who invented the smallpox vaccine didn't actually invent anything. He just noticed that people with cowpox didn't get smallpox.

After my PET scan lit up, I snuck into the ICU and saw her while she was unconscious. I just walked in behind a nurse with a badge and I got to sit next to her for like ten minutes before I got caught. I really thought she was going to die before I could tell her that I was going to die, too. It was brutal: the incessant mechanized haranguing of intensive care. She had this dark cancer water dripping out of her chest. Eyes closed. Intubated. But her hand was still her hand, still warm and the nails painted this almost black dark blue and I just held her hand and tried to imagine the world without us and for about one second I was a good enough person to hope she died so she would never know that I was going, too. But then I wanted more time so we could fall in love. I got my wish, I suppose. I left my scar. 

A nurse guy came in and told me I had to leave, that visitors weren't allowed, and I asked if she was doing okay, and the guy said, "She's still taking on water." A desert blessing, an ocean curse.

What else? She is so beautiful. You don't get tired of looking at her. You never worry if she is smarter than you: You know she is. She is funny without ever being mean. I love her. I am so lucky to love her, Van Houten. You don't get to choose if you get hurt in this world, old man, but you do have some say in who hurts you. I like my choices. I hope she likes hers.

x