all the things i wish i could tell you,

but i kept it to myself.

truth behind our reasoning

Diane's monologue in Bojack Horseman S5E2 broke my heart:

.... reason number 10 you go to Vietnam - because you got to leave to come home. 

Mr Peanutbutter: Diane, I have something I need to tell you. I'm seeing someone, romantically, and it's not you. This probably isn't the best way to say it.  

but none of those reasons are why you actually went to Vietnam. The real reason you go to Vietnam, is because you accidentally see your soon-to-be ex-husband kiss someone else. At first you think, "Oh, it's a fling. Whatever, they're drunk, it's a party." But then he puts his hand at the small of her back, exactly the way he used to do to you. It means 'I've got you' and when he did it to you it made you feel safe. And you realize, he will never do that to you again.
And it breaks your heart again after your heart is so broken that you thought it could never get any more broken. You thought it was safe, but it still somehow finds a new way to break. Because even though you're the one who asked for this, now that you've got it you are completely adrift. With no compass, or map, or sense of where to go, or what to do. So you go to Vietnam.
You think you might find community, a connection to something bigger, but.. you don't. In fact, you feel even more alone than you were before you left. But.. you survive. You learn that you can survive being alone. 

Diane: I'm really happy for you, Mr Peanutbutter. 

this blog deserves an update

hey

call me by your name

"If you remember everything, I wanted to say, and if you are really like me, then before you leave tomorrow, or when you’re just ready to shut the door of the taxi and have already said goodbye to everyone else and there’s not a thing left to say in this life, then, just this once, turn to me, even in jest, or as an afterthought, which would have meant everything to me when we were together, and, as you did back then, look me in the face, hold my gaze, and call me by your name."

did some soul searching

the walk to work feels extra long and winding these days
maybe because i've been thinking a lot


is this what i really want? 
am i really happy working this job?

"it's all smoke and mirrors" - whispers a voice in my head. i shut it out. but ponder on it after awhile. 

everyone here is so empty, so hollow, so busy, so occupied. 
they barely have time for anything, working early hours to late nights. there's no time for family, no time for conversation. everything is work work work. and because of that, they're miserable. they're lonely. they're reduced to online dating apps, they sleep around to feel better about themselves... this is what i've gathered from being here for four months. 

four months. in this four months, i've felt the emptiness, probably the same emptiness they feel, maybe worse, maybe milder. i've met nice people who motivate me to be better than i am now, to work harder to prove the people who look down on me wrong. i've met people who taunt and say nasty things about me, but i have no choice but to sit still and take it all in because they're higher up than me in the workplace hierarchy. politics. i guess this is what they mean all along. 


in the end it all boils down to this:
i used to think this city is all i've ever wanted
but i've come to realize that it is nothing without my family here. i want to go back, i probably will, unless something changes and makes me want to stay. i'm conflicted, a part of me feels that i shouldn't go back, things will be the same again.

but then again, aren't things the same.. now?

how do you save what does not want to be saved ?

what is this empty feeling and why is it visiting me more often and stays longer these days?

undern e a t h

 hello, from the other side.

issa mixed feeling kinda night. i miss everything and i'm doing my best to suppress everything, to keep it all below surface.

i don't want to stay stagnant, but at the same time, being tough is kinda... well, tough. i want things to stay the same, but i can't have that without myself staying the same as well. y'know what i mean? i want to be better than i was yesterday but i can't do that if i don't change my surroundings.

which is why i'm here.
but why am i so so sad?