i've forgotten how to...

 put my thoughts into words. 

i write poetry for...

 certain poetry is for the depressed

for those wanting to feel something, anything

to feel so many feelings at once

it suffocates them to the point of explosion, combustion

and finally,

nothingness.

i watched a movie last night, and it didn't make me feel what i wanted to feel

  ❝I feel like this week you're looking around going "How did you not notice I wasn't okay?" and unintentionally placing blame on your loved ones for not taking the time out of their day to see this themselves❞

i hate feeling this way

 "there goes my heart

manifest outside of my body
draped in the towering silhouette of a most unusually handsome boy

magical and haunted
kinetic and tortured
ethereal and dangerous
cosmic
lawless
eternal
creative genius

the journey will likely be perilous
but there is no destination without him"

-Megan Fox

thank you for this beautiful, beautiful poem, Megan Fox.

not sure what side of the bed I woke up today, but somehow I woke up feeling extremely sad and emotional. Like everything that I've been trying my best to suppress just comes gushing out, all at once.

I hate feeling this way, but I do miss it, somehow.
sometimes I think, "hmm... been a while since I felt the sadness, hasn't it? where's it gone to?"
then I tell myself I don't miss it, but secretly I wonder where that feeling went and whether I'll ever feel it again. Well, I guess it's never left, cause here it is again.

I hate feeling this way; like I'm not good enough and don't deserve anything. You ever felt that way? Like you want something so bad, but you tell yourself you're not gonna get it. Because that's life, and because you tell yourself you don't deserve good things long enough you start to believe it.

so what now? do I embrace this feeling, or do I suppress it like I always do?

I'm sorry, my dear blog, for only coming to you when I'm sad.
you deserve better.

Tokyo Ghoul

so i've been pretty into animes lately... something i used to go 'ugh can't relate' whenever someone mentions it. 😐 

anyways, there's just something about Tokyo Ghoul... it makes me feel things inside. i like what the author is trying to portray. maybe it reminds me of myself way back when i was posting sad quotes and shitnot from tumblr. that kinda vibe, that kinda feel. it stirs up something deep inside, y'know? even the protagonist's name sounds so cool - Ken Kaneki. he looks pretty darn cool too, especially the part when he... well, i don't wanna spoil it for you now. hahaha but it happens at the end of S1! and all of S2 too. i'm at S3 now and well, he sort of turned into someone else? someone more cheerful and idk it annoys me lol!! bring back broody, sad, angry Kaneki pls. -.- 

Tokyo Ghoul quotes dump: 

“In choosing both, you lose both.”

“It's better to be hurt than to hurt others. Nice people can be happy with just that.”

“The wisdom that sleeps
In the written word
Is overcome by a despair
That lurks within”

“You’re always unsteady, ready to slip at any moment. That’s why everybody can’t take their eyes off you.”

“Why is it that the beautiful things are more intertwined in death more that life?”

love their friendship 

你说把爱慢慢放下会走更远

"i'll be working on Christmas & NYE"

in other words, i miss you tonnes, dad. especially more today.. if you were still here you'd be the one hyping us all up in the car after church. you'll be singing Christmas songs, or mocking whatever the radio DJ is saying. then we'll probably stop by to get pork, or fish, and then we'll head home and you'll pull out the karaoke set and start singing away while drinking your liquor. 

life was beautiful back then, wasn't it? we didn't realize how easily it can all disappear, just like that, no warning, no sign. just poof, you're gone. no home karaoke performance from my singer/actor wannabee dad anymore. no hinting Christmas gifts anymore. no sudden bursts of anger in the car on the way to church anymore. no more complaints that i spend way too much time with friends anymore. 

my heart hurts. i'm listening to the saddest songs on YouTube while typing this, hoping to bleed out whatever sad emotions that are buried inside for too long and are starting to surface. no one needs to see this ugly, messy puddle of emotions that i am. Blessed Christmas everyone. Christmas just isn't the same without you here, dad. Will we ever be able to enjoy Christmas? 

no words

i know i shouldn't
but sometimes i think back at the events that happened before you left
everything just seemed like signs
pointing slowly
to the end

there were things you asked me to do
first was the xiaomi band which you told me stopped working
and tasked me to find a shop to fix it
then there was your sun glass lens which you asked me to help buy online
cause you found a good deal
which i nonchalantly shrugged off telling you it was just another fake website on facebook

next thing you know
the person who
all those things you procrastinated doing for
is gone
and you're left wondering
what if.. what if you did all those things
would things turn out any different?

i know i shouldn't
i really shouldn't
but sometimes i think back at the events that happened before you left
everything just seemed like signs
pointing slowly
to the end.